Derserving

I have been doing a fair bit of reading recently, mainly because I haven’t been able to do much else due to being poorly last week.

But I haven’t been reading novels, I have been reading more of my psychology books and my self-help books. And I have realised something.

I don’t think I am deserving of things.

I will be totally honest I am not sure when it happened. But it definitely has happened.

I have a horrible mindset about myself. If there is a chance of happiness I almost turn it around to convince myself that I am not allowed it.

I am nor worth it.

I strive for the boys and Mr L to be the best at everything they do.

I tell them all the time they are worth it.

They can do it.

They should never doubt themselves.

And I am the biggest doubter of all.

I am convinced I will make it go wrong.

I have a fear of every thing I touch breaking.

Whether its friendship, money, work, being a wife, or being mum.

I don’t think I am food enough.

I don’t think I deserve to be good enough.

I don’t feel I deserve to be great at it.

Great at anything.

I never really realised I felt this bad about myself.

And I am not sure if it is because I have failed at things in the past.

Because I have lost where I am going.

Or just because life has broken me one to many times.

But I don’t feel like I deserve the best.

Or I can do the best.

And I want that to change.

It was like a lightning bulb moment when I realised I felt that badly about myself.

And I want to change it so much.

I need to change it.

To be better.

A better version of me.

A better wife

A better mummy

A better business owner

And a better friend.

But how do you make yourself believe you are worth it.

You are deserving

And you can have it all!