I have been doing a fair bit of reading recently, mainly because I haven’t been able to do much else due to being poorly last week.
But I haven’t been reading novels, I have been reading more of my psychology books and my self-help books. And I have realised something.
I don’t think I am deserving of things.
I will be totally honest I am not sure when it happened. But it definitely has happened.
I have a horrible mindset about myself. If there is a chance of happiness I almost turn it around to convince myself that I am not allowed it.
I am nor worth it.
I strive for the boys and Mr L to be the best at everything they do.
I tell them all the time they are worth it.
They can do it.
They should never doubt themselves.
And I am the biggest doubter of all.
I am convinced I will make it go wrong.
I have a fear of every thing I touch breaking.
Whether its friendship, money, work, being a wife, or being mum.
I don’t think I am food enough.
I don’t think I deserve to be good enough.
I don’t feel I deserve to be great at it.
Great at anything.
I never really realised I felt this bad about myself.
And I am not sure if it is because I have failed at things in the past.
Because I have lost where I am going.
Or just because life has broken me one to many times.
But I don’t feel like I deserve the best.
Or I can do the best.
And I want that to change.
It was like a lightning bulb moment when I realised I felt that badly about myself.
And I want to change it so much.
I need to change it.
To be better.
A better version of me.
A better wife
A better mummy
A better business owner
And a better friend.
But how do you make yourself believe you are worth it.
You are deserving
And you can have it all!