When Grief Hits
October is always a bit of a rough month.
It is Babyloss Awareness Month, it is Babyloss Awareness Week and it is BBs birthday.
There are always so many emotions in October.
Every year I start the Capture Your Grief Project and every year I don’t get very far!
I get upset or grief hits.
This year I was doing very well but the day before BB’s birthday I felt awful, birthdays are hard when you have lost a child, even if it isn’t their birthday.
It’s a present missing, a missing birthday hug, a missing excited child and it always makes the whole idea of celebrating hard.
I am not sure whether it was because BB was 10, because I was so engrossed in the Capture Your Grief or just because life is unfair but the day before BB’s birthday I felt rotten.
I missed Rhianna, I missed what BB should have either Rhianna I missed all the things he and his brother have never had.
I ached for the cuddles he should have had from his sister, and the presents he should have had and the excitement that she would have got wrapped up in as well.
I missed her.
He missed her.
And it makes birthdays hard.
And I over compensate I know I do.
I make their birthdays busy, I make them manic so I don’t have to overly think in those days about what we don’t have.
So that they don’t think on their birthdays of what they are missing.
I do it every year.
And every year it takes me a few days to recover.
This week being no exception.
Today I feel a bit better, I feel like I have recognised my behaviour I get why I do it, I doubt it will change but I understand it.
But I am also now wanting to continue with my Capture Your Grief, I have some days to catch up and they are days I have something to say so I will catch up on them.
I feel like this year I am strong enough, stable enough to finish it for me, and for Rhianna.