Baby Loss Awareness Week

I had good intentions to write something every day for Baby Loss Awareness week, but unfortunately my internet died, and it was impossible for me to post anything.

In some ways it may have been a good thing.

I always enter Baby Loss Awareness Week with great plans, ever since we lost Rhianna those plans don’t always happen. I am not sure if I am really strong enough to participate in the week yet, or whether I ever will be.

It’s been two years, six months and 3 weeks since Rhianna Lily died.

And to be totally honest I don’t think that I have properly grieved for her yet.

From the moment she died my focus was to have another baby, to prove to myself that I wasn’t a failure, I had to do that for my own sanity. Once I had a miscarriage in November 2012 it was more important than ever to prove that my body wasn’t a failure. I know that Rhianna dying wasn’t my fault, but it doesn’t mean that I didn’t feel a failure at the time. I needed to prove to myself that I could do it again, that I could have another baby.

Being pregnant with Boo meant I worried for 9 whole months. Every day I used my doppler, most days I cried, and most days Mr L spent hours trying to console me, comfort me and convince me it would be ok. I freaked at every pain, which I had a lot of with such a painful back, I held my breath at every scan and I didn’t really sleep for the whole nine months, as all I could do was worry. I had no good experience to fall back on. The joy of Baba being born was forever taken away with regards to future pregnancies, all I could think about was loosing Rhianna Lily, sitting in that scan room and hearing, “I am so sorry” it was pure hell. And to be perfectly honest I hated every single minute of being pregnant with Boo there was not one moment that I enjoyed it at all.

I thought when I gave birth to Boo everything would be different. It was different, I have worried a lot about Boo. He doesn’t really leave my sight and spends most of his time with me. I panic a lot more now than I ever did before, and am more anxious about things than I ever was before.

In the last two years I have focused so much on having another baby, that I haven’t really focused on dealing with the pain of loosing Rhianna Lily. I obviously dealt with some of the pain, but I think it is a life long process.

I still can’t buy baby clothes, I still hate the thought of others announcing they are having a baby girl. I find toddlers of the same age as Rhianna Lily hard to be around, I think I am ok and then something completely throws me.

I lose all sense of rationality over the smallest things.

Rhianna’s shoes at the wedding.

It was a pair of shoes, and I cried about them for ages. As I couldn’t find the ones I wanted and then I stood in the shop for ages trying to work out whether to buy a baby size or a toddler size. It broke me and I didn’t know what to do.

It was such a simple thing.

But something that I couldn’t deal with.

I don’t know where I am on my road to grieve, I did start the Capture your Heart journey for October and I am determined to finish it, and catch up with it after being off-line, I need to know where I am on this journey.

I am so far, but also still so raw and so new.

One day I am doing ok, another day I am right back in the room hearing the words “There is no heart beat” I am not sure if this is what it will be like for the rest of time or if it will change. But for now I just need to work out where I am on this journey and see how I really feel and to grieve for our little girl, and for the dreams that I had.