The Waiting 22/03/2012
Last night was a weird night, Baba was at Mr L’s mum’s as we didn’t want to upset him by suddenly taking him away from there when he knew that he was supposed to be staying. So it was just Mr L and myself.
And we were just waiting.
Waiting for something to happen, that ultimately we didn’t want to happen. It had to happen I realised that, but at the same time I really didn’t want it to happen. All the time I was stuck in this limbo, kind of meant that I could kid myself that all was ok, I was still pregnant, I could almost forget that the worst possible thing had happened. I could pretend that we were all ok. That our baby girl was fine and that this was really just an awful dream.
There were times throughout the day that I really felt that it was time to wake up and this nightmare to end. But unfortunately it was never going to end.
We rang Baba as soon as we woke up as he had a school trip today and both of us really needed to speak to him. He is keeping us both going to be honest, and he sounded so excited about his trip that is was lovely to hear. It totally took our mind of things for a little while.
We tried our hardest to carry on today, it was so hard, Mr L played Fifa, and lost (usually unheard off) I sat and stared at the computer! Neither did anything really. We mainly sat in silence. Both wrapped up in our own thoughts, and neither really wanting to upset the other.
We had a conversation about her funeral, yesterday we thought we would have her cremated, but have found out more about a funeral and both of us prefer that idea. But that is as far as the conversation has gone really. There is nothing else we can do until she is born and it is a weird feeling, we know we need to do it, but we just can’t bring ourselves to start it. How do you start it for Christ sake how do you plan a newborns funeral? I don’t know Mr L doesn’t know so we are really stuck on that one.
The day has been full of people texting asking if we are ok, if there is anything we can do. It takes all the self-control to scream at them “give me back my baby girl” I don’t want anything else, I want what I can’t have and what no one can change for me!
I feel like I am losing it completely, the waiting is draining, I am constantly conscious of something happening but nothing is happening. I keep telling Mr L that I don’t think I can do this, that I am not strong enough. He turned around and told me today that I am strong enough and we are strong enough, and that we have been given this terrible experience because we are strong enough to deal with it, we are stronger than others and we will come out of it ok. I believe him, I 100% believe him, I have too. I don’t believe in myself right now so I believe in him!