That Pain That Takes Your Breath Away

Everyday is painful, everyday Mr L and I think about Rhianna and everyday the pain hits us. But then there is a whole different pain when you get a small glimpse of what Baba is thinking.

After all he is our child, we will do anything to protect him and he should never be going through this pain. Some days the way he grieves we almost envy, the understanding is so small that he never seems to be in as much pain as us and we both envy that. We both wished we had that.

However other days he gets confused and it hurts.

It hurts that he doesn’t understand, that he can’t comprehend what we have said to him. But at the same time, why should he understand, he is three years old this is far too big for him to understand. It is too huge for Mr L and myself to understand so to get Baba to understand is even harder.

Our hearts are breaking that Rhianna has died, we are longing for her to be with us. Everyday we miss her, everyday our hearts, body and souls ache.

But then Baba says out of the blue

“Mummy lets buy this dress for Rhianna” in the middle of Sainsburys.

You have too bend down and explain that awful truth once more,

“We can’t buy it for Rhianna darling, she is an angel now you know that don’t you?”

He looks at your crest fallen and totally confused,

“Yes Mummy but we can buy it for Rhianna, for when the next baby comes”  and looks pleadingly at you.

And your heart aches and your breath is taken away with the pain that you baby boy, your first-born, your innocent three-year old is feeling.