One thing I have learnt over the years is that there are days, especially in March leading up to Rhianna’s birthday and anniversary that I just can’t do.
I can never tell you when the days wil come, but they do every single year.
And they are so hard to explain.
They aren’t days that I sit and cry all day.
They aren’t days that I am angry.
They aren’t days that I am sad.
They are just days I can’t do.
They are days that I struggle to feel.
I feel numb.
But my heart aches.
And I am tired.
Again not physically.
But mentally and emotionally.
It doesn’t matter what I do on these days.
Nothing helps and nothing really gets done.
I take everything far too personally.
I get hurt by words.
I get hurt by looks.
And I worry insanely about my boys.
And about me and hubby.
I am super sensitive and feel I am being judged all day.
Nothing makes it disappear.
And nothing makes it stop.
Six years down the line I have learnt I can’t fight it.
When a day like this happens I need to let it be.
It isn’t going to go away.
I can’t fix it.
So I have to let it be.
I have to have a quiet day.
I have to step away from most things.
I can’t overly be around people.
And I have to just ride the day out until bedtime.
As I know the next day will be better.
Maybe still not great but better than this day.
So today I didn’t work massively I posted a couple of posts on Facebook and left it as that.
The boys were at school and I knitted.
I watched some trashy TV and I knitted.
I curled up on the sofa drank coffee with a blanket and the dogs either side and I knitted.
We had friends over for tea and by then I was ready to see people.
But that was all I managed today.
Tonight I will be quiet and probably do some more knitting.
But you know what it’s ok.
These days come.
These days will always come.
But they also go.
And there is no point fighting them.
That makes these days worse.
Allowing them helps.
This is grieve.
This is babyloss.
And this is a Mummy without her baby here on earth.