Survival

Today I sat and did my make up.

Honestly for the first time in what seemed like forever.

I got up, I washed my face and I did my make up.

As I stood there doing my make up, I wondered what I was doing.

It is Rhianna Lily’s eleventh birthday today.

Eleven whole years of missing her, and the pain of her not being here.

And today I decide to do my make up.

What was I doing?

Why was I standing there this morning doing my make up on the day I missed her most in the whole year?

For survival.

Today I stood there and put on my make up.

On Rhianna Lily’s eleventh birthday, her eleventh anniversary and I did it for survival.

I did it to survive the day.

Because if I have make up on today, I can’t spend the day crying.

I can’t spend the days in tears like I really deep down want to.

I can be sad.

But I will not cry.

Not today.

I did on Mother’s Day, on Sunday and I did on Monday and I may even cry tomorrow and maybe Saturday but not today.

Today is to celebrate Rhianna Lily.

Today isn’t about the tears.

Today is about our beautiful daughter who was is and forever will be too beautiful for earth.

Today I put on my make up to survive.

To fight the tears and to enjoy the day.

Today we remember you and smile.

Today we smile because we love you, and we had you.