Our Connection

I strongly believe as a mum we have an invisible connection to our children.

Since giving birth to BB and Boo I know if they are ill, or need me.

The mother’s instinct.

Since loosing Rhianna I don’t think anything breaks that connection.

Not even the worst thing in the world, loosing your child.

As a grieving mother I wish I could run away from the pain at times.

I wish I could pack my stuff and disappear, go somewhere new and different and no longer be that mum that people know who lost her child.

The one that had the stillbirth.

But it wouldn’t matter.

I could be anywhere in the world, cut off from all civilization with no timings or dates around me and I would know when Rhianna’s birthday was.

I don’t even remember dates but I feel the pain.

This weekend had been an example of that.

I have felt bad all weekend.

In pain and in tears.

And I have missed Rhianna hugely.

Tonight after looking at my Facebook memories I realised seven years ago today we found out Rhianna was a girl.

Seven years ago today we told BB he was going to be a big brother.

It isn’t a date I set out to remember.

It isn’t a date I could tell you if you asked.

But it is a date my heart knows.

It is an important date for our little girl.

And it is a date I know deep in my soul.

That connection keeps it there.

That connection between a mummy and her baby never ever breaks.

I would love to run away from the pain and the tears.

Just once to be free.

But it will never happen.

Because the connection is always there.

And however painful it is.

It is there.

And it will always be there.

Because she is me and I am her.