Nine Years

Next month you have been gone for nine years.

When I write it down it doesn’t seem possible.

Do you know nine years is 108 months, 3287 days with out you.

3287 days!

I don’t really know how to comprehend it anymore it is a life time away.

Nearly a whole decade away.

I read last night someone talking about grief and saying they are tired as they body remembers before their mind.

They are drained and tired of the years of grief.

I am not tired as it is all I have.

I am not drained as it is all we have.

But I get what was said.

My body always remembers before my mind.

My body lets me know the time is coming first.

I can be anywhere in the world away from everything and I would know its Rhiannas birthday.

I don’t sleep near Rhianna’s birthday.

My body is just done in.

I wish it was different, but I don’t because it is there I can’t forget.

I wouldn’t but I can’t.

This year is different.

Last year was snatched away with going into lockdown on her birthday.

Nothing was at it usually is.

And none of us were prepared for it.

And I don’t think we have overly recovered from it.

This year we are still in this strange world and I want to say her birthday will be more in line with her normal celebrations but I can’t confidently say that.

So I am tiptoeing to her birthday.

I don’t want another year that is taken away.

That we cant have our own choice of what to do on her day.

I am not sure I can accept that or cope with that.

I am not sure I can muster enough in me to say its ok.

When I still haven’t got over last year.

I am worried where we will be in a month.

I am worried we wont have the choice to do what we want.

What we need.

What heals us on her birthday.

So I am trying my hardest not to think about it.

But my body knows.

My brain is trying to run away.

My body isnt.

I know it is coming, but I am so not wanting it here just yet.

I don’t think I am ready for another birthday / anniversary made all the harder because of restrictions.