Nearly One Year On

It is now less than two months until Rhianna Lily’s Birthday/Anniversary and each day is getting little harder.

Memories are coming flooding back and just doing day-to-day things I am really struggling with. All I can think about are what we were doing last year, what we were feeling and how one year is so different.

We are getting close to her 20 week scan date, the day we found out she was our little girl the day our lives become so complete.

And we are getting close to when it was all ripped away from us.

And all I can think is what should be happening. I know I shouldn’t but is all I can think.

We SHOULD be getting excited, we should be looking for presents for our babies first birthday.

We SHOULD be planning a party, trying to work out times that she can get to see everyone in one day.

We SHOULD be having a baby that will be starting to walk and potter about.

We SHOULD have her at home with us and Baba SHOULD be spending all the time in the world with his baby sister before he starts school.

Instead he is a big brother all on his own! That breaks my heart daily. I have failed him and Rhianna and it hurts. He wants that interaction, he wants her here and he is struggling at the moment. He hasn’t said anything but I can feel it, I can see it.

He wants company, he keeps mentioning he is lonely and he SHOULDN’T be lonely, he SHOULD have his little sister chasing him, playing with him and being a little pain. But he doesn’t and he wont.

And we don’t.

We don’t have a year of memories, of cuddles, of watching her grow.

We don’t have a year of her cries, or her tears.

We don’t have a year of anything, except pain.

And at the moment the pain is getting so much harder.

The memories are so strong and the sadness is so overwhelming and it is horrible.

It is just heartbreaking.