Missing You

I woke up today missing you.

I wake up every day missing you.

Today for some reason I missed you more.

There is no reason why it should be different.

It’s just a normal June Saturday.

But today I woke up missing you more than I have done in a while.

I woke wondering what you would be like now?

Wondering how lockdown would have been with three of you?

What it would have been like with a girl in the mix instead of just your brothers?

I wondered who you would be like more now…

BB or Boo?

I wondered who you would look like?

I wondered what you would be in to?

Would you be just as superhero mad as the rest of them?

Or would you be a bit more crafty than the others?

Maybe it was the time capsules yesterday.

We had one less.

There will never be one for you to open.

Oh how I wished we made three yesterday.

There’s always a piece missing.

Sometimes though just the most bog standard thing makes that piece a huge gapping hole.

And it just reminds us, all the more you aren’t here.

And it brings it back.

Well it never goes away.

But it becomes the main focus of the next day.

The next week.

The questions rise again.

Who would you look like?

What would you like?

What your personality would be like?

What you would be interested in?

How we would all be with you here daily?

How our lives would be different?

It brings it all to the front.

They go round and round in your head.

They make you think about them regularly.

And they are always full of what ifs.

I hate what ifs now.

They are unanswered questions about you, about us, about me.

I wish we all knew you.

I wish we all knew the family we should have been.

I wish I knew the mother I should have been.

Rather than living with the broken one.

What ifs are a reminder of what we don’t have.

They are no longer possibilities

They are harsh reminders we don’t know our true lives.

They are reminders that you aren’t here

And that we have and will never know you.

What ifs arent opportunities

What’s ifs are regrets and longing for the answers.

What’s ifs are pain, and tears and despair.

And I wish are lives weren’t full of them.

Today I woke up missing you

I miss you every day but today I missed you more.