Fathers Day With A Child Missing

It’s never an easy one.

Celebrations of any kind are hard when you have a child missing.

I really feel it on all of them.

So does Mr L.

I think I find Mother’s Day very hard as it is the day that you celebrate being a mother.

And I think Mr L finds Fathers day hard for the same reasons.

Because you are so hugely missing a piece.

Not just a little piece a huge part of your family.

And there should be three sets of presents, three sets of cards, three sets of kids wishing you happy fathers day.

And there just isn’t.

It doesn’t matter how many years pass.

It doesn’t matter how many lovely future mothers or fathers days you have.

There is always a piece missing.

A piece who you will never really know.

Never have any memories as a full family with.

Never see their smile.

Know the colour of their hair.

Know their personality.

Know their laugh.

Feel them clinging on for a bear hug.

Know their smell.

None of that will ever happen.

All of it has to be imagined.

And it doesn’t matter how much goes on between them being here and them not being here.

There are moments, every day, but more so on celebrations when you just miss them.

You want to know them.

To have them with you.

To grow with you.

To complete you.

And you can’t.

And the world is a cruel shit place.

And you can never change it.

And you spend your life wishing for something you will never ever have.

And it makes celebrations hard.

It makes them have a little bit of sadness attached to them.

It doesn’t matter how much fun they are, how much you smile and laugh and love every moment your enjoying your special days.

At some point you will think of them.

Whether it’s first thing in the morning.

Or the middle of the night.

They will be there.

Your greatest sadness, your greatest wonder, your greatest what if.

Always there.

Right beside you!