Anger

The anger that rises in me at times is shocking,

I am angry and don’t even know it

I am angry that I am not packing a hospital bag,

Angry that my time with our little girl has been and gone and never to be back again

Angry that it was us

Why was it us?

Angry that we aren’t in the queue of people, our friends, waiting to deliver

Angry that she was taken from us

Angry that instead of packing a hospital bag

Being excited about our new arrival

Having a stack of little baby clothes and one hell of an excited big brother

We are preparing for our hospital debriefing to find the reason why she died

I am angry

Angry at the world for taking her

Angry at the world for leaving us so heartbroken

So incomplete when we should be so complete

Angry that we didn’t get enough pictures

That we missed our chance

Angry that Baba never saw her, (reality knows that he was far too young)

But still I am angry

Angry that we will never have a photo of our family of four,

We will forever be fragmented

Baba, Mummy and Daddy

Mummy and Rhianna

Daddy and Rhianna

Never one together, I am so angry about that

Even more angry that we don’t even have a picture of the three of us

Why did we never do that in the time we had?

I am angry only a handful of people have seen Rhianna’s pictures, (I understand why)

But I am angry I want to be able to show her to the world

I can’t and that makes me angry

I am angry that only one person has even acknowledged her pictures and asked for one themselves

It hurts that it hurts people to see them

That makes me angry

I am angry that no one will have ever have seen her apart from her Daddy and her Mummy

And her Granddaddy who sat with her before her funeral

I will love him eternally for that

But still I am angry

So many things that are so wrong and shouldn’t be happening

So many things that none of us understand

So many things that we want to be happening

Instead we are living something that we would never imagine

For that I am so frigging angry!