Longing For A Child

When you loose a child you hear the saying that you are in a club that you never signed up to be in, but you are in that club forever.

And it can be the best worse club in the world, you find support like no other from other mums and dads who have lost a child.

But you never ever would have signed up the registration forms for that club.

But there is another club you belong to, one that doesn’t always get talked about it and it’s the longing for a child club.

When we lost Rhianna I ached for another baby. And we were so fortunate to fall pregnant super fast and within the same year Rhianna should have been born.

That baby unfortunately was not meant to be and within one year we had a stillbirth and a miscarriage.

That lead to my longing to have another baby be an urgency.

It was all I could think about.

It was all I wanted in the world.

I remember at the time if I ever let the thoughts what if we can’t have another child I cried my eyes out.

Nothing was going to control this want and yearning.

It didn’t matter that we already had BB.

I wanted two children.

My life plan was always two children.

I needed two children.

Two living children.

And a year later I got two living children.

The longing for a baby disappeared.

It really did.

I can happily look at a baby and have no broodiness, no desire to have another baby, to add to the boys.

I have no yearning.

No longer.

But I long for another child.

I long for Rhianna.

It isn’t a missing feeling.

It is a longing.

A want that I don’t think I can ever describe in words.

It’s a need for her.

It is a desire to be near her.

To hold her, to cuddle her.

To smell her, to just soak her in.

Its a longing for her laughter to fill the room.

To share things with her.

To listen to her chatter.

Its a longing to have her slot into the family.

To fill the hole that is there.

Her space, her silence, her piece.

It is so hard to explain.

But it is different from grieve.

It feels so different to me.

I can’t explain how.

I can’t explain why.

But it does and it is.

Grieve is over here and the longing is over there.

From the moment she died I missed her.

From the moment she died I longed for her to be here.

From the moment she died I grieved her.

And they are all the same.

But all so very different.

And processing each one is hard.

It’s tiring.

It’s draining.

And it is emotional beyond repair.

But I feel they are different and I know what is what in my head and my heart.

Today, this last week it has been a time when I have been longing for her to be here.

I have missed her.

I always grieve her.

But this week the longing has broken my heart.