Less Than A Week

It’s less than a week till your birthday.

Less than a week till your anniversary.

And this year I just don’t really know how I am feeling about it all.

It’s a tough year.

It’s a unique year.

I think both of them are massive understatements.

But it’s making the whole experience of Rhiannas birthday/anniversary so much harder.

I said to Mr L the other day that everything seems really hard at the moment.

So much harder than usual.

He said its because there is too much time to think.

And I believe he got it completely.

Usually we try to keep busy near Rhiannas birthday.

Usually we will be making sure we have a day out planned for her birthday for the two of us and a family day planned for the weekend.

This year we have no plans.

Last year all her plans were stopped.

And I don’t know it just feels so meh because of it.

We are busy with decorating and sorting out the house.

But actually all that does is remind you of her not being here.

It doesn’t really help with the not doing anything, and spending a lot of time in your head space.

Which then leads to more time thinking and more time remembering and more time missing her.

There is so little too do.

I think we are all feeling it, it’s been a year long process and we are all missing our friends, our family, going out, being free and going as we please.

And then we have the whole navigation of remembering your child that dieds birthday and living through the pain.

Which knocks you for six on any year.

But a year into a pandemic and months of lockdown and weeks and weeks of not seeing your family, or friends and the second birthday you have celebrated of hers in this situation just seems to be the final straw to be honest.

It is just making it all so much harder than it usually is.

It is making the glim ray of sunshine that we usually have around her birthday is gone. And it isn’t the first time it has been taken away.

It is now two consecutive years.

And I just want to celebrate her birthday.

I want to go out with the kids, I want to go out with Mr L and I want to do something for Rhianna Lily for her birthday.

Life is making her birthday so much harder this year.