In The Moment

Yesterday I got asked how old you are

Yesterday I had to stop and think

Just for a second

I needed to stop

I needed to think

It was just the difference between 8 and 7

I was asked your age in a slightly different way

But it was enough

And it stopped me in my tracks

I was instantly deflated

I have had to think about your brother’s ages in the past

I know I will have to think about them in the future

But they are here

Thinking about your age is different

It scares me

If I forget your age who else will remember?

If I forget you who else will remember?

I shouldn’t ever forget your age

It was the worst day of our lives,

I shouldn’t ever forget that

I shouldn’t hesitate

I shouldn’t have to think

I felt a failure

I shouldn’t but I did

And it scared me

And it worried me

The more and more life goes on

The further and further away the time I was pregnant and the time you were born becomes

It is a horrible feeling

It isn’t one I like

It isn’t one I think I will ever get used to

Or will ever be able to cope with easily