Finding Me

This year I have been trying to find myself.

I am not unhappy in fact I am probably happier than I have been in a long time, there is no doubt about that.

But it is a case of not really knowing what I want to do anymore.

When I was younger I wanted to do interior design, but that idea got squashed and I went into Psychology gaining my degree, and then going on to work with Autistic children.

When I had Baba I decided I would be a stay at home mum, working shifts wouldn’t work with Mr L’s work, it still wouldn’t to a degree, and I also needed a bit of a break, I suppose. My body was knackered I had received a lot of injuries over the years and being pregnant and sick every day as I was with Baba while working finished me off. I needed time out.

And I loved it.

I love being a mum, I can not express how much I love it. But I did get bored.

I wont lie.

I want to be a full-time mum, one that is there for the kids whenever they need me and I don’t want to be going out to work and manipulating child care, school, the house and work. But I wanted something else.

So Mr L and I decided that the best plan would be for me to do something from home.

I enrolled on a writing course and started a blog. I also started doing Avon, I tried it and for a while it worked, but it just never really took off and eventually I decided that it wasn’t really the thing for me. That is when I started Scrapbookerry, or Baba’s Keepsakes as it was originally known.

Over the years, the writing course has sat untouched and the blog has moved from a free blog, to a self hosted blog, to a completely different blog. It has been the constant I suppose. But everything else is still up in the air.

I have no regrets about the things that I have done, but do now feel like I am just bubbling along with no real plan. It is almost like I don’t know what to do when I grow up.

I want to do something, not just be mum, even though I love it and adore every moment of it, I want the boys see that I do something else as well.

But finding that something is the hardest thing.

I am just not really sure what I want to do, or how to do it at the moment.

I love creating and that is where I am at my happiest apart from with the family.

While I was sat painting our new kitchen  unit and upcycling it this weekend I really was at my happiest. I love the quietness and the creativeness of making an old piece of furniture into something new and giving it a fresh leash of life.

I love sitting in my craft room, even though it is a complete and utter mess at the moment. I love making albums, for ourselves and for other people.

But I also love writing, I am frustrated that I never seem to find the time for the course, and am determined to finish it soon as it is something I wanted to do and it is something I want to finish as it really is a good course.

But what to do as a job /  business that works around the kids is something I am not so sure about.

There are so many things I want to do, but I just can’t decide what to do so nothing is really getting done. Things are getting prodded and poked but nothing is really getting the full attention it needs, as everything I do I have that nagging thought in my head, is this what I should be doing? Have a chosen the right path? And how to change it if I haven’t? Or what to do if I haven’t?