Capture Your Grief – Wisdom
Wisdom – what advice would you give to family and friends of people who have lost a baby?
Six years ago we gave birth to our darling baby girl.
In that time, I think we have learnt a few things.
My first piece of advice would be never ever forget.
I am not talking about Christmas, Birthdays and Anniversaries, I am talking about the every day.
Nothing fills us with more joy, than a random picture of a lily being sent to us, a mention of her name, telling us you imagine her doing this, or liking that.
Those little tidbits, whether they make you feel a little uncomfortable mean the utter world to us.
They make us smile.
They make us realise that we aren’t the only people that think of her.
They make us happy, even if we do cry or look sad, they really make us happy.
Turn up, childloss is a hideous subject to talk about, we all know that whether we have lost a baby, or not. But don’t treat us or our child as leapers. We need you more than ever before don’t desert us. Please.
Those days and first few months are hard and they are made either harder when people you thought loved you disappear.
Don’t take what we do personally and hold it against us. We may not be able to see your new baby, or tell you about another pregnancy we are having, or buy your baby a present, or hold your baby. Please try to understand it. Please don’t get angry and please try to help us through it.
Ask us. If you don’t really understand where we are coming from or not sure how we will cope. Ask us. The best thing I was ever asked was, what do you need to do? It lead the way for me to really think about it and we all knew where we stood.
Don’t think you know the answer. We barely know. So don’t tell us we need to be around a baby, don’t assume you can’t ever talk about what your children are doing. It’s ok we can hear about them.
Say their name, put it on Christmas cards, add their name when talking about our children. Just say their name.
Include them in numbers. We are a family of five not four, remember that!
But most of all more than anything give us a cuddle if we need it. And it may be directly after, it may be six months later, it may be five years later when your standing in the playground and you should have another child with you. Keep an eye and just be aware, and don’t ask if we are ok, bereaved parents are great liars. Just step up, give us a cuddle and say it’s ok I am here. Sometimes thats all we need to hear.