Capture Your Grief – Healing

What does healing look like for you?

Healing is these three.

All three of these boys have healed me over the years.

Mr L has healed me from the minute we found out Rhianna died and I know that it has not been easy for him.

When we in the deep darkness of grief I hurled some awful hatred things at him.

Things that he could have easily walked out about and never return from, but he didn’t.

I have accused him of not loving Rhianna as much as me as he didn’t talk about her. He doesn’t have to talk about her, he grieves differently it is ok.

I have been jealous of his and the boys relationships as they naturally grow older and want to do more boy things with their dad I have hated it as I have been alone and I shouldn’t be. It was a mental thing I can see now, but he didn’t argue back he took it and said nothing.

I have been neurotic in Boos pregnancy and when he was first born. I know he has thought I was neurotic but he never says anything he lets me carry on.

I have screamed at him that it was his fault for me falling pregnant again after Rhianna and loosing another baby. He took it.

I have at times over the last six years been an utter bitch to him, and he doesn’t say anything. He lets me scream and shout. He lets me let it all out and then he picks up the pieces when I completely fall apart afterwards.

I am sure he must see a pattern now, but he doesn’t tell me to shut up, get over it or anything, he lets it runs it’s it’s course. It is like he knows it has too.

I need it to.

And he says nothing.

Quietly piecing together the mess left behind. Forgetting the hideous things I say and telling me it is all ok.

Big Bro healed me from the moment we told him his sister had died.

Because I had to get up the next day, I had to look after him, he was three years old.

He needed me to stop crying to look after him to hold him close and remind him that the world was a good place even though the worst thing had happened to him.

He heals me everytime he talks about Rhianna, tells us the weird and wonderful things she does in heaven with Uncle Dave, the letters he writes her and the dreams he has about her.

He heals me with the undying love he has for her, and the pride he has being her big brother.

He heals me every time he mentions her name.

BB will never let Rhianna be forgotten and I love him so much for that.

Boo healed us in a way we didn’t know we needed healing.

He confirmed I could be a mummy again something that I wasn’t sure was ever going to happen after Rhianna and a miscarriage.

He fractured our brokenness back together of some sorts, still with holes in as he will never replace his sister.

He made BB smile a smile Mr L and I hadn’t seen for nearly two years and that healed us all in a why we could never imagine.

BB was supposed to be a big brother, he was never supposed to be alone, Boo made that happen and for that he healed his brother which in turn healed their Daddy and I.

He talks about Rhianna like a long lost friend.

That heals me, I was so concerned how he would ever understand having a sister in heaven, I didn’t need to be. He gets it.

It’s his life.

And he is proud of her as much as her big brother is proud of her.

These three heal me every single day.

Will we ever be truly healed I don’t think so.

But every day we heal a little bit differently.

Whether it’s an extra laugh, a new adventure, a new story or something completely different.

Healing from grief and babyloss is a lifetime process.

But I am glad I have these boys to help me every day.