Brotherly Love

From the day we were told Rhianna had died, I have worried about Baba.

Everything we have ever done for Rhianna has been led by Baba, and I constantly worry about the effect her dying has had on him.

Probably too much, some would say.

Other’s would say not enough, but they don’t know how many nights I have woken and walked into his room to watch him sleep and pray that he wont be emotionally scarred for the rest of his life.

After all in one year, he lost his sister and his Uncle. It is a lot to take on.

Some days we don’t feel like getting out of bed and we are adults.

But I am not sure we are better equipped at dealing with the emotions or whether he is I really don’t know.

I worry that he will hate Rhianna in the future.

That he will think she has stolen his childhood.

That he will think we cared more about her than him.

I worry that all he will remember is us being sad and wont remember the times we laughed with him, and the times he had fun.

I worry that he will never want children.

That he will think what happened to us will happen to him.

I worry that he wont love her.

I worry that he will consider himself an only child.

I know physically he is but really he is not.

I worry that we talk about her too much.

I worry that we don’t talk about her enough.

I worry that no one else mentions her.

I worry that he will forget her.

There are so many things that I worry about.

I am no expert at this.

He asks questions and I have no clue what we should answer.

He needs answers and I end up staring at him.

I worry that he gets sad.

I worry about him being asked about his family at big school, that is a whole new worry.

What will he say? Will his new friends think he is a freak if he says his baby sister has died? Will he never even mention her?

There are so many things that we could do wrong and I worry about it endlessly.

I want him to remember her, I want him to love her, and I don’t want him to ever act like she never existed.

But I don’t want to smother him.

It is such a line, and sometimes that line is so hard to see.

And people are so good at telling you were that line is.

And we are no expert in this I have already said that.

But and it’s a massive but…

There are only two experts on Baba, and that is me and his daddy.

We are the only ones that understand him and know things about him before he does, no one knows him like we do. They think they do but they don’t.

And then Baba will wake up in the morning and the first thing that comes out of his mouth,

“It’s a beautiful day Mummy, when we take Nanny shopping we will get Rhianna some flowers and put them in the green things (oasis) and take them to her grave with Daddy when he gets home. As she needs beautiful flowers on this beautiful day”

And you suddenly realise that actually you are doing ok!