Who Am I?

It’s something I have been struggling with for a while – who am I?

When I was at school I wanted to be a fashion designer, when I was at college I wanted to be an interior designer.

When I went to university I studied psychology, having a bit of an idea to go and work in prisons and something to do with psychology and crime.

Then I got a job working with a child with autism and my degree shifted and over the course of my psychology degree I specialised in Autism.

I then went on further to study a further course in Special Educational Needs and for the next few years I worked with children with additional needs whether it was in an autistic school, working on home programs or working in respite homes.

I loved it.

But when I met Mr L and feel pregnant with BB I was ready for a break. My hours didn’t work with Mr L’s hours and we decided it would be better for me to stay at home.

I then toyed with Avon for a bit and it never really worked out and I then settled on being a Tropic Ambassador which works perfectly with being mum and working around Mr L’s hours and being able to be at home with the kids.

It means that I don’t have to worry about them being ill and that I have been able to deal with Rhianna dying in my own time, on my own terms.

But 10 years into being a wife, mum and giving up what I actually trained for I am struggling now to know who I am.

I have dipped in and out of Tropic over the years things have got in the way and I haven’t always 100% focused on it.

I love it though and it is now time to decide to do something with it. I am quietly study a holistic course at home with the hope that eventually I can combine the two.

As I really need to decide to do something for myself again and find who I am again.

I love being a mum don’t get me wrong, but the boys are 5 and 10 now they are both at school, and I at times just feel a bit like a cook and a cleaner around the house. Constantly cooking to their needs, which is generally more than one meal at a time as Boo is so fussy and cleaning constantly after them, morning, noon and night.

I love to craft and I do craft I find it relaxing and I enjoy it. But it doesn’t fill me with the satisfaction that I am wanting.

I love to write and blogging I miss if I don’t do it but again it doesn’t fill me completely.

I want to be earning some regular money, I feel like I have lost some independence along the way. I am very dependent on Mr L and have been since loosing Rhianna I get stupidly anxious about things that he rationally gets me back on an even pegging and I know that I rely on him a lot. But I am not enjoying relying on him for everything.

I want some of my own money and to have a career.

Something that stop people from asking when will I get a job, when am I going back to work.

I want to make Tropic a proper business that I can bring in money with and feel a little independent about.

And I want to remember who I was before I became mum, before our child died and become a bit more like that person again.

I know she is in here, it is just finding her again.