Today…

Today is the day my baby boy goes under the knife. I know that sounds brutal but it is the truth. I am feeling brutal today.

I haven’t slept for over a week, I fall asleep at the computer or on the sofa, but as soon as I take my legs upstairs. I am awake with the thoughts swirling round my head.

I have never been so scared in all my life. I don’t think I was this scared about giving birth to Baba. My flesh and blood, my little baby, the one that I would lay my life down for is being handed over to a complete stranger today. A stranger that is going to cut his little eyes and sort them out. And I am doing it? I have done it? I made Baba, he is part of Mr L and me. Is it something that we did, I did wrong, that made him have this? This part of him that causes him discomfort and pain, why did my child get it? My perfect gorgeous child.

I know that it is a minor thing in the grand scheme of things. It is not a serious massive operation but to me in my world this is massive. It is all I can think about, our lives have been put on hold. Everything discussed in our house ends with the sentence, “after the op.” We don’t know how Baba is going to cope with this, we don’t know how he is going to cope with the operation. The aftercare, the pain the discomfort. So our live has been put on hold. Till lets wait until after the operation, that is my life I have lived this year until this day. Tomorrow I don’t know what that will bring, if I am honest I don’t know what this afternoon or this evening will bring. I haven’t dared to think about it. It has all been resting on today. And now it is here I am scared, actually bricking it with all my heart.

Half of me doesn’t want him to have it, half of me knows he has to have it. The logical part of my being knows that he has to have this. His eyelashes aren’t getting better, they should have been by now but they aren’t I 100% know if he doesn’t have this done there is a point where they will start scratching his eyes. But you know the emotional part of being his Mummy is screaming out NO! That he will get better on his own, we will wait a little longer. It will all be OK, he is my perfect little boy and he will be fine.

I am hoping with all my heart that I have the energy, if he wants it to be me, to take him into the operating room. If I am totally honest with you I hoping against all hope that he will want Mr L to take him down, so that I can bypass this point. I know in my heart that is a slim possibility, and I am dreading it. All I have heard since knowing about Baba’s operation is how awful it is taking your child to the operating room. I shake just thinking about. It is the one thing that has been keeping me awake all week.

I wake in the middle of night. I have had the dream the one where he screams all the way through having the anaesthetic and I leave crying and am on my own till I get to the ward. I get lost and I can’t find my way. It is a nightmare, that I can not shift, and one that I have had every night for the last few days. I know I will find it, but can I hand him over like that. I don’t have a clue what is happening to him. It goes against everything you stand for as a parent doesn’t it. It tears you in two. I know he needs it, but it is not what I thought would be happening to my perfect baby at two! I am not prepared I am not ready.

I can’t fathom, and Mr L says I am mad, how he is going to come out of the operation looking the same. I have taken over 300 photos of him this last week. Looking at them over the weekend I cried. I love the look of Baba I LOVE his eyes I always have. Every picture I took last week I was drawn to his eyes. What if he looks different I am so scared about it. It makes tears well in my eyes that my little Baba may not look like he does today ever again. This may be the last time that he looks like this. I can’t get my head around that. They are taking muscle out of his eyes so he wont look the same, will he? Mr L thinks I am totally insane but am I? Do you know how horrible it feels to think your baby the one you have looked at all this time may not look like that again? It is strange, it is scary, it is so god damn sad!

There are so many things I don’t know so many questions unanswered. Things that we will not know until after the operation is finished.

But there are a few things that I know for certain.

I feel bad, I feel scared, I feel terrified, sick, angry, tired, I feel a little like I did something wrong, but most of all I feel so sad!

So sad that he is going through this, that I can’t do it for him. Fix it for him, make him ok. I am his mummy that is what I am supposed to do I should protect him, and look after him. By the age of two I have failed that I can’t fix this and make it all ok. I am sad for that.

I am sad that he has to go through this. He has to feel the pain and discomfort, he has to be taken away from the safe arms of mummy and daddy and have someone else fix him, I am so sad and sorry for that.

I feel sad that its happening to me, selfish I know, but he is my baby, my little perfect boy and I feel so sad that it is him, why?