Today I Have Struggled

Today I have struggled.

And I am not ashamed to admit it.

8 years on some days are still a struggle.

Grief doesn’t just stop.

It doesn’t go away.

More days are good than bad.

But there are still bad days.

Today was a bad day.

I cried before I got dressed.

All because I saw my time hop that today was six years since our Tito had been put to sleep.

It really threw me.

He was such a special soul and remembering like it was yesterday but knowing it was so long ago really stopped me in my tracks.

And I don’t think I overly recovered.

This year is a struggle.

Mothers day is the day before Rhianna’s birthday.

It seems so much harder when they are that close together.

And then BB goes on a residential on Rhianna’s birthday.

There is so much happening in such a short space of time.

And my brain and my feelings are struggling to keep up.

Today I just had to admit enough was enough.

I cried.

I couldn’t focus.

And I struggled all day.

It was never going to be a day on my side.

So I gave up.

I put some trash on TV and I had a go at my temperature blanket.

I know when enough is enough now.

Today it was enough.

Today was too much to bare.

And it was OK to stop.

Step back and just not be OK.

I couldn’t do anything else.

I didn’t want to do anything else.

Everything I want this month I can’t have.

And that will never change.

But I can learn to deal with it in my own way.

And to be honest 8 years later.

I think that will always mean crying.

That will always mean days that just aren’t working.

And it will always mean days that are OK.

Today was one the first days.

Tomorrow may be one of the later days.

It may be another day like today.

It may be a day I cry all day.

It may be a day where I am productive and focused.

It may be a day I won’t ever remember.

But it may be a day that I will never forget.

I don’t know what the next day will bring.

I know these days can be hard.

I know these days can be OK.

And I know both of the days are absolutely fine.

And they were fine six months after Rhianna died, a year after, three years after, eight years after and will be fine eleven years, sixteen years, twenty years and so forth after she died.

Whether they are good or bad they will always be fine as I need to process my grief at that time.

It will never disappear and I will never know when it will be good and when it will be bad.

And I will never be ashamed to admit that I am having a bad day.

You can’t turn grief off.

And it doesn’t just disappear.

It just changes it always changes and that’s OK!

Today I am struggling, tomorrow maybe the same, or tomorrow I maybe fine.

Whatever it is both are fine.