Starting Over

Things have changed a lot round here in recent years! Next January Mr L and I will have been together for seven years, and in the last three years everything has changed.

Of course it has we had Baba, who is going to be three in October where does the time fly. But its not just that, we have gone through me no longer working, then starting to work from home, stopping again and then running my own business. Massive changes. But then we had Mr L getting made redundant, he was at home for six months and it was hard work really hard work. On one hand it was fantastic as he was home from when Baba was two months old, so he got to see all those firsts, but it was hard as he is not used to being home.

He finally found a job in a factory, but he really hated it, it was the hardest thing watching his life and soul literally being pulled out of him and being left completely soul less. But we were stuck, we needed someone to be working, and at the time it was the only option possible. When neither of us actually knew what to do, a friend did good for Mr L and found him another job. It was better, but since then he has moved on again! He is now back in the line of work that he knows and that he has always done, and work wise we are back to normal.

However, three years later, we are still paying the price. We like many others have been and are struggling to make ends meet, and you get so wrapped up in the fact that you can’t afford this and can’t afford that. It is a horrible feeling, it is depressing to be asking for money, when you have children and are hitting your thirties, but it is unfortunately the way of a world at the moment. I know that, but there is a problem when that is all you think about and it overrides everything else that happens in your house. That is the point that we got to.

As well as all the financial and job stress, we had medical issues, in the middle of all of this Baba had an operation on his eyes, which he is thankfully all discharged from, and it is all sorted. In hindsight it was a minor small operation, at the time it felt like it was the end of the world. That’s because he is our baby and nothing like that should be happening. That was a thing that was sorted and dealt with relatively quickly.

Unfortunately Mr L wasn’t so lucky being diagnosed with Hyper-mobility last December, was a shock to say the least. It was something we never heard off, and something we still really have no clue about. Lucky we have found a lovely person, who is so willing to help. She has actually given us more information in a month, than any of the health profession have given us in 7 months. Mr L was diagnosed, and then left too it, that was it! Here is your diagnoses and good luck. He has been given no tablets, or anything, it is something that we are in the process of looking into further.

For me it has been strange, I have got so used to living with Mr L’s aches and pains, as he has never not had them, but to actually have a reason for them has been a lot to learn. There is actually a reason for it and he isn’t just having a good old moan, as I admit I thought for a while. But he is actually in pain, with a boisterous nearly three year old, it is hard to remember that Mr L is in so much pain, and sometimes Baba jumps over him like he does me and Mr L is crippled in pain. It is something I am uncertain about, and something that does scare me. It is also something that I constantly look for in Baba which just adds to the concern!

Again all of these things I have got wrapped up in, Mr L has good days and bad days, and the bad days can be bad, he gets very grumpy. Which is hard not to retaliate, he isn’t grumpy just because he is being grumpy, but he is in pain. It is very hard to remember when he is biting at everything you say!

The last few years have not been easy and I am the first to admit that I have got so wrapped up in the unpleasant stuff, all of the above. But and again I am the first to admit that I have been the worst at this, I have at times been so wrapped in the unpleasant stuff, that I really didn’t see the wonderful stuff that was in-front of me.

I remember many a night when I have been stressing about money and how we will pay the mortgage again this month, that Mr L has, quite rightly, told me that we can live anywhere as long as we are all together. I haven’t ever listened have just carried on moaning to be honest. But I think I should have listened.

In my wrapped upness, (is that even a word) I have pushed the closest people away and I admit that. Lots of admitting going on here today, but I haven’t realised that I was doing it. I have been grumpy and I have been getting very stressed about the little things.

Probably not the best time to start a business, no! But I did it anyway I wanted to be contributing to the house, and I am looking for jobs, but we all know what that is like at the moment, I also took a lot of writing work. It was all fantastic experience, but suddenly I was overwhelmed and nothing seemed to be happening.

My eye was taken of the important things even more, and I literally was not noticing anything. The little things were slipping. We had gone weeks where Mr L was going to bed about 8/9pm and I was rolling in at 1/2am. It got stupid and it got unhealthy.

My relationship was with the computer!

The last week things have changed. The computer has been turned off, the deadlines, are being kept too, but I am a little more organised. Some writing has been reduced, it means it will be better quality and I am happier with the final conclusion, the business is going in a better direction. I have orders that it always fab! I have a system that I am testing and it seems to be working at the moment! Lets hope it continues!

But the biggest thing is I am trying not to stress about the little things, we have plans, we are still recovering financially, but we always had plans in place, I just couldn’t stop me head thinking about them. I am changing the way I think massively about everything I am not sure whether it is all to do with Thinking Slimmer, or whether it is just because I have finally noticed everything around me.

I love playing with Baba, he is so funny at the moment. The stuff he says and the imagination that boy has is amazing, yesterday he was watching a slug that was in the garden and he got incredibly excited, when I asked him what he was doing he told me that the slug had drawn him a flower. The little slug trail was his picture. It was such a cute little moment and one that I don’t want to forget, these are the things I love about him.

Later in the day when we knew his godmother was coming to look after him, he put all of his books and toys up in his bedroom, were put into his tent because they were cooking for his godmother! Don’t ask sometimes it is just easier not too.

He is developing a pure love for animals and loves all of his pets. We are finally learning at nearly three, that we don’t have to scream at them. You can see the love grow between him and Tito and the rabbits, JoJo and Stewie, he has moments when he is still a little rough. But he really does try to be gentle. But there is the boy in him and his love of reptiles and bugs and snails is huge. He adores Mr Snail, every morning he gets up and climbs on the stool to see Mr Snail on top of the bureau he is just fascinated about him, it is fantastic to watch. These things I have missed!

But the thing I have missed the most is spending time with Mr L. We really did get lost, to the point where I think we very nearly broke completely. Maybe it is what we needed to realise that something’s had to be changed, maybe it is what I needed more than anything! I am not sure but in the last week things have changed. We have made time for each other, we have been playing on the Wii, we have been going out, we have laughed. We have talked, and we have been honest and talked about our feelings. Things that we should have done a while ago. We have generally been closer, for a long time I felt lonely in my family, but it suddenly feels like we are again a family.

It feels like we are starting over we can finally put in a nail in the box for the negative stuff that has recently happened and look forward to the good, listen to the laughs, enjoy the silliness and build some great memories. The rest will come along with these, if we can get these right then everything else will be OK, after all as long as we have got one another…