So Where Do I Begin…

I haven’t been here for a while, it has been a stressful couple of weeks to say the least and I am not 100% sure where to even start.

Baba has been ill, it is that time of the year again, where one thing leads to another thing, which leads to another and another. But it is harder this time, mainly because I have been ill as well, Mr L has been ill and we are all suffering. It is nothing serious just a virus, although I am not convinced that mine isn’t tonsilitis but the doctors are currently disagreeing with me, and I am just being told that it is because I am pregnant I am finding it harder to shift! Not so sure about that but hey we will see.

Last week when we took Baba to the doctors we got told that the doctor was 99% certain that Baba is asthmatic that they wont officially diagnose him until he is five! God only knows why but to carry on with his inhaler use and to up it as much as is needed, and that the virus would be gone within 7 to 10 days. Last week Baba was clingy and really wouldn’t leave me along to be honest! It was hard work, and even harder when Mr L went down with it as well, although I thought I had managed to escape the worse of it. I had it but nowhere near Baba and Mr L and I admit I was a little smug about it. Until Saturday that was…

We had our nieces birthday Saturday and we weren’t sure whether we would be going or not, as it all depended on Baba but he really wanted to go. So we went off to the soft play and they all had a fantastic time. Getting Baba out seemed to do him the world of good, I tried to keep him in all week, as the weather was so cold. But the fresh air really seemed to do him some good. It also seemed to do Mr L some good as well, they both seemed a lot better. The same could not be said for me, by the evening I was sent to bed by Mr L as I was shaking and shivering, but was actually boiling. I think we both thought that if I had a good nights sleep I would be better.

Unfortunately it was only the start, Sunday was hideous, I couldn’t speak and just felt completely and utter rotten. All I could do was cough, I could barely eat and felt drained and hideous. Mr L did the right thing and took Baba out for the day, they left about 10 and I didn’t see them again until 6. He arranged for them to eat up my MIL’s and did the best thing for both of them, nipping in, in the middle of the day to check that I was ok. But it was heart wrenching I felt so rough that all I wanted was Mr L to be at home with me, I wanted cuddles, and being taken care off. I really didn’t want to be left on my own, however I didn’t say a word to Mr L as I knew that if I did then he would have stayed and he was doing the right thing being with Baba. But it was oh so hard!

Since then I haven’t got better, Baba is getting better every day, his wheezing is improving and he is doing more and more things each day without needing his inhaler. However, I feel like I am getting worse. I am coughing all night long, and all day, to the point that if I actually start retching from coughing, and have very nearly been physically sick a couple of times in the last couple of days. I am concerned that the poor baby is having a rollercoaster ride in there at the moment, being chucked around and moved from pillar to post every time Mummy coughs, but there is nothing I can do to seem to stop it.

Sleep is, well shall we say difficult, if I am not coughing I have a serious case of restless legs, that are just agony all night. I don’t actually remember the last time I slept a whole night through, without waking at 2, 3, 5 and 6.30am. Oh what I would do to crash out at 9 and not wake till 9. At this precise moment I would do anything!

But since last night to top it all off I have had this outstanding, hideous sore throat. I went to the doctors this morning convinced that I had tonsilitis, but it is a virus! So it is just paracetamol, and lump it basically! What a great diagnosis, I sat there for an hour to hear that what joy. I am glad that I have a Kindle that is all I can say.

I think if this was all that had happened these last two weeks I would probably be ok, but to be honest all of this sickness is only the beginning! I went to the midwife last Tuesday, and after my post the other week about Pregnancy Health my worst fears were actually confirmed. I had my first urine sample to hand in and already it had a 2+ level of sugar. I just had this gut feeling that something was not going to be good about the appointment, and I was gutted I wont lie. I haven’t told anyone really I just walked out of the appointment, and rang Mr L feeling a little shit about it all.

To be fair to the midwife she didn’t have a go at me, she was actually really, really nice, as I had just had a long conversation about being gutted about Baba being asthmatic. So she gently, and I do mean gently told me that I do not do sugar very well and that I really need to get it under control, before it becomes a problem. As later on they will be hot on me, due to Baba being tiny, my weight and dad having diabetes. So she was lovely I think if she had been anything else I would have probably burst into tears on her. Coming out of there I felt like I was walking the walk of shame through the hospital! I just felt so bad, because I hadn’t stopped myself from it happening, and of the things that I was doing to my baby! It is only me protecting the little thing at the moment, and I just felt like I wasn’t doing a great job when I left the appointment that day.

After speaking to Mr L, we decided that I needed to research about high sugar in pregnancy, gestational diabetes and diets and work out a plan of what the best action would be. After quite a lot of research on the Wednesday when I was a little quieter we have decided that the best plan of action is to start the GI diet, as it is a good guide for people with diabetes and for people with gestational diabetes. So for the past few days I have been reading the book, and trying to get my head around it all. It really doesn’t seem that hard, it is mainly difficult because I am ill, and to be honest at the moment, I am just eating what I can as nothing is really encouraging me to eat at all! So it hasn’t started yet, but I will be starting as soon as I am better and luckily it doesn’t seem that awful so Mr L is happy to join me in it as well. Which will be really helpful!

After coming out of the midwives appointment, I still have to go to this Care in Pregnancy talk, my midwife has reassured me that it wont be patronising. That the consultant is lovely, and that it is actually done in the birth centre, so if there are any real problems I can just call on my midwife to help me out. So I am feeling a little bit more positive about that, and not feeling so grumpy about it so hopefully it will be as the midwife says and not like I was first expecting.

They always say that things come in threes don’t they, so we had the sickness, of everyone. I had the bad news at the midwife, and I was waiting with batted breath for what the third thing was going to be…

To be honest I didn’t have to wait long, Thursday was the day that everything came crashing down around us. After the week we had, it really felt like that to me. I know I am pregnant and am a little emotional but still Thursday was an awful day.

We had been making an effort to check the rabbits in the evening as it was cold, and I went out there on Thursday and lifted up the cover to do the usual check, and only Stewie came running over to greet me for food. My heart literally stopped and I knew what had happened, as I pulled the rest of the cover back there was JoJo just laying in the run, completely lifeless. Yet again, I ran to Mr L for help. He was already in bed, so he was welcomed to a crying mess that was me downstairs. By this point it had started to snow and I was a wreck. Bless him he got up and removed JoJo, it was heart wrenching to watch and Stewie got very funny with Mr L he wouldn’t let him get near JoJo.

I could tell it was traumatising Mr L, but all I could do was stand in the door way, literally in floods of tears. Mr L tried to comfort me, he really did, telling me it wasn’t my fault. That rabbits die, but for the second time in a matter of days I felt like a complete and utter failure, and I couldn’t control it. I don’t know whether it was the rabbit dying, me being pregnant, the start of me being really sick or just a collection of all of the other things. But I was literally a wreck.

The thing that was really consuming me was telling Baba, how the hell do you tell a 3-year-old his rabbit has died. He loves all pets, and I was dreading it. After dealing with me for a little while Mr L suggested not telling Baba for the day and that he would tell him when he got home from work, and then we would bring Stewie indoors and put him in the dog crate as it was so cold outside. I firstly think Mr L thought I was too delicate to do it myself, and secondly I seriously think he was concerned. Concerned that if I was reacting this way to a rabbit dying, what would I be like with the other rabbit, hamster or the dog even! I think I worried him a little.

To say I didn’t get a lot of sleep that night would be an understatement, I felt rotten, and I really felt like a massive failure. But Mr L promised to check on Stewie when he woke up as I could not bear seeing another dead rabbit and would text me how he was so I knew what to expect that day and then he would deal with it. So when he got up he was true to his word and let me know that Stewie was 100% fine. That did make me feel better, but I still felt bad. However I was pleased that Mr L was going to deal with it and sort it all out.

The best laid plans and all that…

Sods law that morning Baba asked to go out and see the rabbits! I literally didn’t know what to do. So I called the only person I knew too, Mr L, he was happy to speak to Baba and tell him on the phone, but Baba was having his “I am not talking to Daddy” moment and refused. So it was all left to me. I got him to sit down and before I even started the conversation I was in tears, I just couldn’t help myself.

“Sweetheart, when we go and see the rabbits only Stewie is there”

“Why Mummy?”

“JoJo got very sick darling, and he has died and gone to rabbit heaven in the sky. Do you understand?” (I am blubbing for England now)

“JoJo is dead Mummy?”

“Yes sweetie are you ok?”

“Yes Mummy I am happy, are you sad?”

A little confused, “yes I am sad, why are you happy?” (I was a little confused and concerned why he was happy with a rabbit being dead)

“I am happy that we still have Stewie and that he hasn’t died as well” Baba never ceases to amaze me, I was so shocked but so impressed at how brilliant his attitude was about JoJo.

I then explained to him that we would be bringing Stewie indoors once Daddy got home and that he would be living in the dog crate for a little while. Baba seemed to love that so we decided to go and check on Stewie and make sure that he was ok and give him some food.

There was a little snow outside nothing too much, but enough to have to be careful on, and Stewie’s cover was smothered in snow, so I had to be careful when pulling it back and lo and behold there was no flaming rabbit in there! My heart literally sank. Mr L had seen him this morning and he was fine, and here I was bringing out my child to see the surviving rabbit, and it looked like he had died somewhere. Parent fail again for the umpteenth time in one week, the only problem was that I couldn’t find Stewie anywhere.

I turned around and in the middle of the garden, in amongst all the snow, there was sitting Stewie. I could have squeezed the life out of that rabbit at that moment in time, Baba was so excited that he was in the garden. But I wasn’t too impressed about having to pick him up. Stewie has always been a nightmare to catch, but for some reason. I don’t know if it was because it was cold, he was confused at getting out of the hutch, or because JoJo had died and he knew but Stewie didn’t resist at all. He practically leapt into my arms.

After a full check of the hutch and run, I could not see how Stewie got out of his home, so an emergency call to Mr L and we decided that the dog crate would have to be put up asap and Stewie would have to be brought back indoors. Well Baba was leaping at this news and was very excited, so there I was trying to get the cage sorted for our new resident in the house while Baba sat on the sofa with this completely happy little bunny that was sat next to him watching TV.

Stewie seems to love it indoors, and is loving the attention from Baba, who in returning is loving the attention from Stewie. After all these animals have been got out for Baba to hold and stroke our days are really done! But they all seem to love it. We still don’t have a permanent home for Stewie yet. He is permanently living in the dog crate it is just where this dog crate is going to live forever more! We are still trying to work that little item out. But to be honest, with everything else that has been happening at the moment, the house is such a mess it really isn’t making a huge difference. Everything is taking me twice as long to sort and most of the places I don’t even know where to start so until it is all organised I don’t think he will have a permanent spot for a while. But regardless he seems happy, my child is happy and that is all that matters.

These last couple of weeks have been hard, and they are still not great, I still have to tidy and organise the whole house. I need to get back into work, as there has been none of that for the last couple of weeks! I have had to take early maternity from CRAFTfest as I just could not handle that on top of everything else. That really upset me! But I am lucky that the lovely people over at Creative Connection understand and get it all! But I still feel bad for letting people down. But that is a whole other thing. Even those these last few weeks have been hard, we are getting to the end of them I think. I am seriously hoping that next week we may be back to normal, but I really would not have coped the last few weeks without Mr L.

He has been my absolute rock with all this happening. I literally would not be able to sit here and write about all of this happening, if he had not been here. I think I would have completely lost the plot some when last week. He has held me together. So many times in the past I have thought that I am the one that holds the family together, I don’t think that is true! Not at the moment anyway, maybe when I am less emotional and pregnant! He is the holding piece in our little crazy life at the moment, he is totally propping me up, 150% of the time. I would have fallen and got lost a long time ago, and I have felt myself depend on him more and more in the last few days. He hasn’t complained, even though he is ill himself, his hypermobility is really painful, and he is working 6 days a week to keep us financially going at the moment. He hasn’t moaned at all, he has just given me the support, encouragement, hugs or whatever I have needed when I have needed them without even thinking. For that I am eternally grateful, for that I love him that little bit more than I already did!

 



5 thoughts on “So Where Do I Begin…”

  • I think you did the right thing explaining that the rabbit was dead. I did a blog post about helping children dealing with death and it had some great book selections in which might be of a help.

    I am sorry about all the other worries you have had

  • Kids are amazing and rarely feel stuff the way we think they do! Possible asthma is horrible, but they don’t diagnose it until 5 because believe it or not a lot of them do grow out of it by then and never get it again. I was in and out of hospital for nebulisers every few months with GG until they upped her steroid dosage, and now it doesn’t worry me so much – it is certainly manageable and predictable.
    Sounds like such a rotten couple of weeks – I hope things pick up 🙂

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