Identity Crisis

The other day I wrote about my love of writing and how I am not doing it as much as I want to be doing but actually those feelings are a lot deeper I think.

It’s like I am having a bit of an identity crisis.

When we had kids it was logical that I stayed at home with them.

I worked with kids and I worked with sick children, violent children and I didn’t want to leave my children in paid care to go and look after them. So I stayed at home and MR went to work.

Then Rhianna died and my dependence on Mr became a lot more.

I lost myself when Rhianna died.

I have spoken about it a lot before on here, how my life is split into before Rhianna and after Rhianna.

But one thing that massively changed was I lost my confidence. I lost my independence for myself and I started to rely on Mr heavily for all sorts of decisions.

There was a time before Rhianna when he would have been told things were happening, for instance he hadn’t seen our house until we moved in. I found it, I looked at it, I liked it, we put an offer in, he had seen some pictures and he first looked around the day we were moving in.

I wouldn’t even think of doing that now.

I would ask his opinion, his thoughts over and over before I made the decision.

And I do that all the time.

I am aware the worst can happen.

I lived the worst that can happen and it worries me a lot.

I relive it regularly and the fear is there all the time.

And I have stayed in his protective bubble, I have made sure I stay in that bubble.

But I don’t think people overly realise.

I am really good at hiding it.

At seeming I am the same as I used to be.

But I’m not.

I go over and over things in my head, worrying about them.

I can’t deal with confrontation very well, it has never been my strong point now it really is one of my weakest points.

And I have no confidence in myself.

And I have no focus for me I have begun to realise.

I always had a plan, I was always focused.

Now I don’t.

And I haven’t for a while and it is making me feel a bit blurgh.

But I honestly have no idea what I want my plan or focus to be.

Where I want to go?

What I want to be?

Who I want to be?

And if I am totally honest it is really bothering me.

I have no identity at the moment.

I am wife, mother and homemaker. And I love all of them.

But there isn’t anything for me.

And I want there to be.

But I just don’t know what!