Dreams

When I was younger I had a dream, I wanted to be an designer and I wanted to write. I would spend hours writing stories. Hours writing poetry putting all my heartfelt desires and pain on paper. Hours designing, drawing, painting and getting all my feelings out.

I had this dream and it never went away, I was going to be a star, I was going to write a book, a book of poetry. And short stories too. But inbetween I was going to take photos and decorate rooms. I had a desire to be an interior designer.

I was always redecorating my room, with my dad pulling a face being the traditional painter and decorater he is. Never agreeing to what I was planning. But I did it myself anyway.

I loved every thing about the creative mind, I could write, draw, paint and create. Any time of the day or the night, I always had ideas I always had plans.

But somewhen in these years it all got lost. I don’t know how and I don’t know when. But the pencils and paints were put away. And so was the computer, the writing stopped. The only thing creative I did for a long long time was photography. I loved it but there was just never enough.

I don’t know what made me stop! Whether I didn’t think I was good enough. Or whether I thought it was a stupid idea “Not a proper job in that career dear!” I just don’t know.

It was supressed for a long long time. Everything was put away and packed in boxes never to be resurfaced again. I got them out at times I looked at them I showed them to people. To be told I had a knack. And that was that put away again and never mentioned again. It was a thing of my past something that I used to do.

But then something happened I don’t know whether it was turning 30 or having a child. But I realised, I had never done anything that I wanted. I have no regrets don’t get me wrong, I have loved everything I have done in my life. Including my jobs.

If I had not worked with all those children I would have never have… Felt the pain, the tears, the joy, the smiles. Received the hugs, the gratitude, the screams, the shouts, the laughter. I am grateful for every single one of the children I worked with. They have all had a part in making the person that I am today

But I was never totally happy.

The thing I had always wanted to do had been hidden and taken away.

It has taken a while. Years infact to get that desire and believe back. To feel that I can do it, to want to do it, to enjoy doing it.

I don’t think even now I would be writing and studying, or designing and selling my work. If I didn’t have someone behind that believes in me. As I don’t always believe in myself. I think I am ok, but I still doubt! I still scream and shout that these things are wrong that I am not good enough. But standing right there are the two people who really 100% believe in me. Telling me “its pretty mummy” and that people will like it and I can do it.

I have the talent.

It has taken me 30 years to find people to push me that little further. To say ok do what you want to do. We are right behind you. Go make that site, go sell your stuff. Do what makes you happy and what you are good at!

Someone to stand there and let my dreams be more than dreams!