Baba’s Grief
Baba doesn’t understand everything about Rhianna, I have written about it before. His grieve process is so different to ours and he is only three he asks all the questions that no one else would dare to ask.
You think he has got it, that he is finally understanding everything that has happened. No questions are asked and then he says something that makes you realise he still has no real understanding at all.
The most recent questions that we have had from him at the moment have been.
“Was Rhianna born Mummy?”
“Did she die on the floor Mummy?” (he had been watching a nature programme and a monkeys baby had been stillborn and she placed him on the floor)
“Is Rhianna in heaven Mummy?”
“Are you sad Mummy every time we talk about Rhianna you look sad”
“I miss Rhianna, why did she die?” (Quite possibly the hardest question we have had)
“You will have another baby in your tummy, wont you Mummy?”
“We will call the next baby Rhianna wont we Mummy”
“Let’s buy some clothes for Rhianna for when she does come”
None of them are easy to answer, most of them we don’t know how to answer. But they all need to be answered. Baba needs the answers as much as we do, and they can not be ignored. That wouldn’t be fair on him. He has to understand to the level that he can understand. So even though they are like knives through our hearts, and they are painful to hear and even more painful to answer but we have to.
We have to take a deep breath and answer everything that we can as well as we can do at the time. Even if the response is I don’t know Baba, it is a response and it is the truth and for that we just hope that he is grateful that we are telling him as much as we know ourselves.
Grieve is so hard for us to process and so much harder for a three-year old who really knows nothing about the world to process. We can’t rush him, we can’t stop him, we have to just follow his lead and respond and answer as best as we can and give lots of hugs and love when needed. That is all we can really do!
This broke my heart to read. I have no other children so have no advice, but I admire the strength it takes to be able to try and be strong for Baba.
Lots of love,
Lisa
http://dear-finley.blogspot.com
Thank you he is such a strong and wise little soul and the hardest thing is seeing him upset! It is so upsetting xx
My parents lost two babies shortly after birth before I was born. I always knew about them, but as a little person I got very confused. I told teachers about my brothers and made lives for them. While it is confusing and hard for him, and you, it’s important for all of you to keep talking about her. You are all in my thoughts so very much. Big love xxx
You are right it is better that he keeps talking rather than never mentioning her as it is healthy in a way xx
Sometimes the little one looks at me and says “I’m sad cos I miss Adam” and it hurts but it’s not true. She copies everything and she’s just copying the hubby or I. You could easily replace “Adam” with “Smurf” or any other toy. But she says things and they’re so profound because they’re spoken in a way noone else dares to do. It’s hard but I wouldn’t change it.
I totally understand that, Baba repeats what we say and we are never sure whether it is what he thinks or is just what he thinks he should say. It is so hard to hear, the new thing at the moment is “mummy I didn’t die in your tummy did I?” and you are so correct it is more the way they say it. Totally how no one else would say it so it makes it so much harder xx
Thanks for commenting on my blog hun.
Of course having baba doesn’t making not having Rhianna any easier. People are just daft and have no idea that what they are saying is so hurtful.
Sending lots of big hugs to you,
Lisa
http://dear-finley.blogspot.com
People are very daft when they speak to us aren’t they most of the time it is not knowing what to say so they think and think about it and then say the wrong thing anyway xx