The Day It All Changed – 20/03/2012

I had a midwives appointment in the morning, and was a little stressed about my sugar levels. I really didn’t want them to be high again. So I made sure I had a healthy breakfast, eating a selection of fruit and tried to remain as calm as possible with Baba. I didn’t want anything to be wrong at the midwives appointment. I wanted the rest of this pregnancy to be easy sailing, rather than trips back and forth every week like I was with Baba.

I dropped Baba off at my mum and dads and told them that I would be back in a couple of hours.

As per usual there were no parking spaces at the birth centre and I remember having to park in the doctor’s surgery which only has an hour limit. So knowing what my midwife was like I was conscious that I may end up getting clamped so I prayed that it would be a quick and easy appointment with no telling off.

I did have to wait a bit but nothing like I usually had to, so all was going good. I went in and we checked the dates and decided that I was 23 weeks and 3 days, my midwife checked my wee sample and was pleased that the sugar levels were looking so good. She asked if I was feeling Rhianna move a lot, and I was honest and said no, I had had a few flutterings but that was all. She wasn’t concerned and said that she was obviously like Baba, as I hardly ever felt him either. She checked that the placenta wasn’t in front of her from my notes and explained that was all ok. So I got on the bed for her to have a check off me.

She was happy with what she felt, and said that my womb all felt fine, and that everything felt right for the time that I was. She then got out the heart monitor and jokingly said that she hoped Rhianna was better behaved this time as she was a little monkey last time for her finding her heart.

She put the gel on my tummy and started to have a listen, and I held my breath like I always do with the heart monitors I absolutely hate that moment in pregnancy. There were minutes of silence as she moved the monitor around and around my tummy, telling me that my baby was being a monkey. She never looked overly concern, I love my midwife I really do, I loved her for Baba and requested her for Rhianna and I was searching her face as I was getting scared.

She rubbed my arm and told me she was going to get the other midwife, to have a check as well, and she was sure I just had a serious pickle as our daughter. I remember thinking “if she is this bad all ready god help us!” and chuckling to myself, the thought that there was nothing there didn’t really enter my head.

I sat laying on the bed staring at the fan at the top of the wardrobe in the room, I had no thoughts really I was just staring and waiting. The other midwife came in and warned me straight away that she wasn’t as gentle as my midwife. This actually made me happy, as I instantly thought that if she was a little rougher Rhianna’s heartbeat would be found in a second.

Again the process of the gel on my tummy and the heart monitor happened, and still no heart beat. At this moment, I was getting scared. I started biting my lips to make sure no tears came.

I was asked to get of the bed and lean on it with my elbows so that my bump would hang low, and the midwife had another go at finding Rhianna’s heartbeat. But still there was nothing!

They had a quick chat, and decided that I should go straight to the hospital for an emergency scan. One went off to phone them and the other stayed with me, again I was biting my lips hoping and praying everything was ok and that my baby girl was just being a little bugger as the midwife said. She told me that all girls were little so and so’s and I prayed that she was right.

My midwife came back and told me to ring Mr L and not go on my own and that the hospital was expecting me. She gave me a massive hug, it was really hard not to cry at this moment, and told me to keep her posted.

I walked out of that birth centre in a daze. I rushed into the toilet and called Mr L. It was the worst phone call in the world.

He answered and asked if I was ok…

“No I have to go to hospital, they can’t find the babies heartbeat. I need an emergency scan!”

There was a frantic couple of minutes working out where he would meet me and we finally decided it would be at home, so that he could leave his work van there. I drove back from the birth centre talking to our baby, pleading with her to be ok, telling her to move, to kick, or anything. It was all I could do to stop the tears flowing, and I had to keep pleading and hoping that she would be ok.

We got home and had to wait a couple of minutes before Mr L turned up. We had a silent journey to the hospital, I sat and stared into space I just didn’t know what to think. I kept asking Mr L what he thought and he kept saying he thought it would be ok. I believed him, I totally wanted him to be correct and I believed him like he believed his self.

We parked up and walked into the maternity unit of the hospital. As soon as we said our name to the receptionist we were taken into the Foetal Assessment unit rather than the scanning waiting room.

We were taken to a small side room, and saw this lovely nurse who said they were just waiting for a doctor to arrive to do our scan. He didn’t take long, he popped in to say hello and then we were called into the scanning room opposite.

I couldn’t look at the screen and to be honest it was more turned towards the doctor than it usually was in other scans. I just had to keep looking at the ceiling, or at Mr L. Mr L was straining to see the screen I could see that he was and we managed a small smile to one another sat and laying in the silence, both praying and hoping for the best news possible.

Then the doctor spoke,

“I am so sorry, there is no heartbeat”

Those words will be engraved in my heart forever. The tears were instant and the pain followed. I literally felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest.

The nurse told Mr L to sit next to me, so that he could hold my hand why I had to lay there while the doctor took some measurements of our precious Rhianna. Nothing much was said we just cried and cried all that was said at that moment was that the doctor thought she had died the day before. He took the measurements in silence and we were then taken back to the tiny waiting room.

I remember walking out of the room and seeing the nurses in the other room with tears streaming down my face and seeing their eyes, seeing their sadness in their faces. They all knew what had happened and I just wanted the world to stop there and then.

We were taken into the little waiting room, and the lovely nurse told us that her and the doctor would be back in a moment, but for us to have some time on our own first. We just stood in there and sobbed, both of us sobbed as much as the other, what else could we do?

We were in shock, we were pain, and our hearts were literally broken in two…

40 thoughts on “The Day It All Changed – 20/03/2012”

  • Oh Kerry, I am so so sorry. Nothing I can say can make you feel better, nothing will take away this pain. Quite frankly the situation is crap and I can’t imagine it. The biggest hug in the world, you are such a brave lady.

  • I am writing this comment, not because I have anything to say but because I want you to know I’ve read it. I’m glad Mr L was with you.

  • Oh bless you Kerry, your blog brought tears to my eyes, you’re such a brave lady to share your story with everyone. I had a similar experience but much earlier in my pregnancy (about 18 weeks), I went for a routine scan and there was no heartbeat either, I know what you mean about those words being engraved on your heart forever. I went on to have two successfully pregnancies, but through both of them the scans scared me rigid, just in case the same thing happened again. My heart goes out to you and your family. x

    • Thank you Kerry, it is really helping to write about it all and it is making a little more sense in the whole of my head. I am so sorry you went through anything similar but pleased you went on to have more xx

  • Kerry,

    I can’t begin to imagine your family’s grief and the situation. Such a brave post, and I hope that writing it all down so beautifully helps and ensures Rhianna is kept alive for everyone forever.

    Amy xx

  • Oh Kerry, my heart breaks for you every time you post on here or on our BDT facebook page. I’m so sorry you had to go through this x

  • Wow hun, this was a tough post to read! I never know what to say at times like this, other than I admire your strength in writing this and hope it has brought you a little comfort? No parent should ever feel pain like this and I can only imagine how you are feeling. I pray that each day is another step towards your hearts mending and you can stay strong as a family throughout your pain. Sleep tight little Angel xxx

  • I have seen you a couple of times and been really silly and just given you a smile, I should have told you how sorry I am for your loss and told you how strong and amazing i think you have been, your words are very beautiful and you should be proud of yourself for how you have dealt with everything. My thoughts are with you all xx xx

    • Thanks Nat, and it is fine honestly you haven’t been silly it is so hard I know that. It is just nice to know people care xx

  • I’m sorry Kerry.

    I can’t even imagine what you an your family are going through but I just wanted to send my love and let you know I’m thinking of you all.

    I’m so sorry your having to suffer this heartbreak 🙁

  • I have tears streaming down my face and I don’t even know you. I can’t imagine what you are going through, but my thoughts are with you and Mr. L.

  • Oh Kerry. I don’t know you but my heart is breaking for you. I can’t even imagine what it was like for you to hear the doctor say those words. I am so very sorry that you had to go through this.

  • I can not begin to imagine what your family are going through but I just wanted to let you know that I’ve read your post with tears in my eyes and pray that you guys manage to support each other through such a horrendous time.

  • I don’t know how you can post so eloquently, and I think in time to come this will help so many other mummies who find themselves in this situation.

    You are such a brave mummy and I am so priveleged to be able to share this with you.

    I am so sorry for the loss of Rihanna, your beautiful Lily.

  • So desperately sad. You write so honestly and bravely about what has been such a traumatic event for you. I’ve been there in the scanning room too with bad news- it happened twice but much earlier in pregnancy. By 23 weeks we all like to think our babies will be ok. I don’t know how you manage to get through each day, I’m guessing Baba and your family help x

    • Baba and my family are amazing, I guess we get through because we have to. Baba needs us and writing about Rhianna, and sorting out her grave and everything else we are doing are the things we can do as her parents and that is what we do. xx

  • Have finally got around to reading your post and it did make me cry. I don’t know what else to say other than to echo all the other comments in that I cannot imagine what you must be going through. Sending you hugs x

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