10 Years Tomorrow

Tomorrow is our little girls 10th birthday

Usually I have a lot to say about Rhiannas birthday.

This year I am not sure how you process 10 whole years without her

I am not sure how you explain 10 years of silence

I am not sure how you explain something that changes your life forever

I don’t know how you explain any of it.

10 years is so long

A decade

A decade of what ifs, what could have been, and a lot of maybes.

It’s so long.

But still so raw.

I think of 10 years and it’s a lifetime.

But then at the same time it’s like yesterday I sat in the toilet after the midwife appointment in tears telling Mr L she couldn’t find a heartbeat.

It is like yesterday that we drove the journey to the hospital in silence.

It’s so raw hearing the words sorry there’s no heartbeat.

I remember that room, that small side room of the ward, I can smell the smells, I can hear the noises. I know one of the ceiling squares was slightly stained.

I remember the conversations telling our parents and family. Their faces when we saw them. Their hugs.

The utter overwhelming nothingness that came with those words.

The sadness everyone felt.

The noises of the delivery room.

The sadness the midwives felt.

The silence.

The sound of sadness and of pain.

The walk out of the hospital.

The walk out of a maternity ward with no baby.

Just silence.

All of it is a lifetime away.

All of it is like yesterday.

All of it is engraved in your soul forever.

It’s the moment our lives changed forever.

Never to be the same again.

10 years ago.

I just don’t know how to process all that time when it is all still so raw.