Some Days Are So Hard And Full Of Guilt
I was going to do a blog today about the lovely Secret Post Club parcel that I received today from the lovely Susie over at New Day New Lesson but I have had such a bad day that I had to write about that first.
I haven’t felt right since I had the bug on Saturday. I am really tired, I am not into eating very much, and generally still feel pretty sick, but have managed not too. I thought that I was over it, but maybe I was wrong, maybe it is a bug that is refusing to go, but regardless of that it has left me feeling like rubbish!
To top that off I have had a difficult day with Baba.
It hasn’t been that he has been bad, or naughty as he hasn’t but just difficult!
He woke up when Mr L left for work, at six am, and was grumpy and foul until he finally went to sleep at ten this morning. I had four hours of screaming, crying, throwing things and just being grumpy. I knew that he was tired, he knew that he was tired, but he would not give in. He fought and fought until the last possible moment.
If all of this was not bad enough, the worst thing is that Baba is not yet totally communicating. He babble’s away, and I don’t understand him, but he knows what he is trying to say and then he starts screaming at me as I am not doing the thing that he wants. It is so frustrating, for him and me and it is driving me mad.
I hate it as I feel guilty. So guilty!
I feel guilty that I don’t understand him, I feel guilty that he ends up screaming and crying because I don’t understand him. Then I feel guilty that I get annoyed, I’m annoyed with myself but obviously it comes out as being annoyed with Baba. Then I feel guilty for when that moment has passed and he is back to his bright and breezy self and I think how could I feel so mad at him, it’s not his fault. So many feelings of guilt!
Many times today I have just not known what to do.
The first four hours of today drained me, completely.
At first I was worried that he was poorly, I checked his temperature, I checked his teeth as he has got some teeth coming through but all was fine. He was just in grumpy! I just did not know what to do!
All of the usual things that pacify him weren’t working and I was really getting to the end of my tether. I just felt like I had been talking to him in a negative way all morning.
Even getting him to sleep was a nightmare, he usually just settles watching tv, today no way. He screamed and cried for a good fifteen minutes before he finally fell asleep.
I know what you are thinking, peace I could sit down and have a rest. Now that would have been the sensible thing to do. But I couldn’t because of that guilt thing again.
Now that he was asleep I felt guilty for not tidying the house, and keeping on top of the washing. So I ran around like a mad woman trying to get the things done, that I wanted to do when I was poorly. I did the cleaning I sorted the washing. All the while feeling guilty that I am not doing any of my writing course, or doing any of my Avon work. Surely they are both more important than cleaning. But if I don’t clean then I can’t concentrate on the other two.
See a whirlwind of emotion today. It has been hard to control!
Then Baba woke!
In a much better mood I have to say, his usual happy self.
So the guilt is there again. How could I think bad of him earlier. He couldn’t help it, it is the only way that he will learn. But I am at fault for feeling that way in the first place.
We did have a good afternoon, Mr L came home early and I try to explain to him about the day. Explain how I am feeling.
“If you are finding him (Baba) hard then maybe we should try to get a nursery place for him sooner” was Mr L’s response.
NO! NO! NO!
We have a place decided for where we want him to go when he is two, I don’t want him to go anywhere now. I just wanted him to listen. Not to tell me to send him some other place. That wasn’t the response I wanted. I know that I can do this fine, it’s just some days, when he can’t tell me what he wants and I don’t feel well they are hard. It does not mean that I want him in nursery now!
It just sometimes I need a break, a break from everything. Work, cleaning, studying and being a mum. I don’t want to be the one that runs around and do everything all the time, and then years later think that I actually did nothing.
But I just don’t know how to switch off, and not feel guilty! About everything!
How do you switch off and not feel guilty?