Our Only Time

Following on from Rhianna Lily’s Birth Part Two

I woke periodically throughout the night, either with midwife checks, or the nebulizer being put back on as my breathing was bad. Every time it was the same, look to the right to see Mr L who was sleeping and try not to disturb him and look to the left and gaze at Rhianna Lily. I knew that she wasn’t going to move, she was not going to chance.

But I had to look every time this was our only time with her, and I wanted to have every last inch of her etched in my brain.

I finally woke about 7.30am and Mr L was still sleeping I really didn’t want to wake him I wanted him to sleep. I knew that I had been through a lot, but to be honest from the moment the surgical team came in I really didn’t remember much from the night before that was when the stress was put over to him. Not only had he just lost his daughter, but he then had the added heartache of me being poorly. I can’t even imagine the stress that he was feeling in those few hours and I wanted him to sleep. 

Rhianna had already changed from yesterday, she was in a special cold crib but her skin was changing. We were told that it would, as it was so fine and so thin. But I still wasn’t totally prepared it would happen so quickly. It threw me for an instant, and then it was gone she was still our little girl and still 100% beautiful.

It was a strange day the Saturday, we quickly decided once Mr L was awake that we wanted Rhianna Lily blessed, Baba was christened and there was no way that we weren’t going to have the same for Rhianna Lily. The hospital chaplain was called and arrived in our room very quickly.

The service was a lovely simple service, just the three of us, with Rhianna Lily in my arms the whole time. In her white blanket that had held her mummy and held her brother! It was such an important blanket and one that she had to have with her, it was the only thing that we could give her and I was so grateful that even though she was changed no one had removed that blanket from her.

Both Mr L and I were given Service of Naming and Blessing sheets for us to read from for Rhianna’s blessing. Once the service was finished the Chaplain filled out a certificate card for Rhianna Lily, stating her name, our names and that she was Baba’s sister. It had the date that she was blessed and the place she was blessed on.

It also had some beautiful verses on this card, but the most important of all.

LOVE NEVER ENDS

This means the most and really struck me when I saw the certificate. It hit me that it didn’t matter what we did we will always love Rhianna Lily forever nothing will change that!

It was a bitter-sweet realisation.

After she was blessed and the chaplain had left we were both ready.

We were never rushed and the midwives had told us from the moment that she was born that we had the lead with when we wanted to say goodbye. We could have even have taken Rhianna Lily home with us for a couple of days if that is what we needed.

I could have done that, I really could I never wanted to give her up. But there was a part of me however ill that I was that knew that if I did that I would never give her up. We had also made the decision that Baba wouldn’t see her, I don’t know if that was right or wrong I will never know but at the time we thought that he was far too young. So to then bring her home would make that decision wrong. I also knew that Mr L couldn’t bring her home. I also knew that if she was at home I would want everyone to see her, and people wouldn’t want to which would completely upset me all over again. So we knew we would be saying goodbye in hospital.

Once she was blessed it was time, I remember both of us looking at each other and looking at Rhianna Lily in my arms and both of us knowing that we were ready. She was ready, she had been blessed.

I never thought I was religious until I had children. I was really comforted that she was blessed.

We both kissed our angel, and hugged her tight.

We put her back in her crib and arranged her blanket just as we wanted it and Mr L told the midwives that we were ready. They came and wheeled the crib out of the room and our time with Rhianna Lily was done.

I sat on that hospital bed, tears streaming down my face, being held together by Mr L, like I had been and would be so many more times over the next few months as the love never ends!



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