Happy New Year and a Happy 2020

It’s New Year’s Eve and tomorrow a new year and a new decade starts.

And I want to wish you all a Happy New Year and a Happy 2020

But I am being a bit of a grump to be honest.

It started yesterday when the first decade photos started, people posting what they were like a decade ago and the differences between then and now.

I still struggle to look at pictures of me a decade ago.

I am never ever going to be that person again.

This decade has been amazing, but it had also ripped us in two more than once.

It’s a decade where Boo was born, we got married, we made some amazing friends, we took the kids abroad for the first time, we have had caravan holidays and we have had some of the best times.

It’s also the decade where we had to put our dog down, we lost Mr L’s best mate, our daughter died, and we had more miscarriages.

We had shit thrown at us and it was hard.

But we are still here, still standing and still together.

We have joined a statistic we never wanted to be a part of but we fight that statistic every day and we work it out together and that is the magical part of this past decade.

But you know what upsets me the most is the same thing that upset me in 2012 when it was New Year’s Eve.

It upset me then because the year Rhianna was born, the year she was alive was disappearing, her year was moving on.

And this year is the year the decade she was alive moves on.

Her decade is gone.

The only one she was alive in, even if only in my tummy, she was alive and that will be her only decade she was alive and tomorrow it is gone.

And I am not going to apologise for finding it hard.

This Christmas I have done really well, I haven’t cried at all.

But this New Year I am finding it hard.

I don’t want her to been born in the last decade.

It seems so long ago.

It seems so distant.

But loosing her will never be a distant memory, instead it is always at the front of our brains.

And tonight, today I am finding that hard.

I am trying my hardest not to I really am, but it is hard.

I want to focus on the good.

And there is so much good, Boo arriving, getting married, holidays, memories, the kids and everything that comes with them, our friends and family and so much more. And I will focus on that as I always do.

But for a moment, our little girl will take the preference!

And it’s ok, because sometimes it is just bloody hard to not have her here.

And that’s not going to change it’s never going to change.

Because she is us and we are her and we are always linked unconditionally!