I didn’t sleep last night, I tossed and turned all night. Baba crawled into our bed in the early hours and for the first time I just left him there. I just watched him sleep and just cried.
I felt so numb, but so bad all at the same time. Most of the night was spent with silent tears, Mr L’s hand on my hair stroking it gently trying to convince me to sleep and me just listening to Baba breath.
I just felt that life was so unfair, there was no way that we deserved this, but I didn’t really know what to do. I was scared, and frightened I was preparing myself to go into hospital to give birth to our baby. Not to give birth to our thriving bonny baby though, this was going to be a complete and different experience and I was really scared.
Everyone else woke the next morning, I after all hadn’t slept so I just got up and got ready. It was a strange feeling, knowing that I had to ring the maternity bleep to find out when we were going in. I did try to put it off, I thought if I didn’t call it would never happen. But I knew I had to really.
I called them at 9am and we were told to go in at 10.30am we were told that we may not need an overnight bag, as we may not be staying in. This flummoxed me I was confused as far as Mr L and I were concerned we were going in today to give birth to our baby, so we didn’t understand. We carried on anyway and I packed a bag as good as I could. I didn’t really know what I would need.
It was strange, it was as if because I wasn’t giving birth under normal circumstances I just couldn’t think what I would need to take. I remember looking at Mr L blankly at the bottom of the stairs unsure what to pack.
I got on much better packing Baba’s bag for his overnight stay at Nannies with all of his school stuff and his supplies. We got everything together and dropped off Baba at his Nannies ready for his school trip tomorrow.
It was a silent trip to the hospital. Mr L held my hand pretty much the whole way, and tears just fell down my checks. There were no words needed we were both thinking the same thing and we were both broken.
Once we arrived we were taken around the corner of the labour ward and put into our own room, that was white so eerily white. It was right next to the toilet, and was oh so silent. We couldn’t hear any noise from the ward. It was just still.
We seemed to wait for ages, in all it was about 40 mins when we were finally seen by a midwife. She seemed very nice but a little away with the fairies, if I have to say. She seemed to try everything to distract us from what was happening but at the same time didn’t seem to be able to talk about everything else. She had a file for us but we never got to see it, and when we finally asked she told us we couldn’t have it but she would go through it with us. It really confused me I didn’t really understand that. I found the whole thing confusing.
She took all my details and did my observations, and then came back with a tablet. Explaining that I needed to take this, stay for an hour and then come back in 48hours! Ermmm we were both confused, we had understood that everything was going to be started today.
Both Mr L and I didn’t understand I got really upset, verging on the hysterical and refused to take the tablet. All we kept telling her was that we had been told that everything would be happening today. I carried on refusing to take the tablet until I had seen a doctor. I could have really lost all control with the midwife when she casually mentioned that Mr L and I obviously misunderstood.
We didn’t misunderstand, we were told we could stay yesterday if they had the room, or come in at a later date to start being induced. If it was a case of just giving me a tablet I didn’t understand why I wasn’t given one the day before. I didn’t want to wait longer, at that precise moment in time, I wanted it all to be started I wanted this to happen sooner rather than later.
We had to wait for the doctor, and I was ready to go, I didn’t want to stay longer. For the umpteenth time in two days I was squished into Mr L’s arms sobbing, I was heartbroken that none of this was going the way I thought.
We finally got to see a lovely doctor who did explain the whole situation very well. He was also very apologetic that it hadn’t been explained to us before. He asked what I wanted, at that time I told him I wanted a C-section (very confused about that) he explained that that wasn’t possible, because of scaring for future pregnancies as she was so tiny I would end up with a huge scar. He also explained that if we rushed the induction then there could be complications for me. I remember looking at Mr L and seeing the pain in his eyes. Throughout all of this he was constantly saying “do what you want to do” this time he told me straight “I couldn’t cope if there were complications for you, it would kill me” I knew that he was being sensible, and I had to get my head straight as well.
I knew that the doctor was right, off course he was right, I knew that Mr L was right and that the midwife was right. I had to take the tablet, prepare my body for labour, and if anything happened to go straight back into the labour ward. Otherwise I was booked in for 10am on the Friday morning.
I took the tablet with a heavy heart and we got to go back home, to wait and wait…