Yesterday was your 6th birthday.
It was not a great day.
The first time that your daddy ever had to work!
And it didn’t work.
It was horrible.
And will never happen again.
We tried it.
It doesn’t work.
He can not be working on your birthday.
It made him sad.
It made the boys sad.
It made me sad.
It made the day all wrong.
And it just didn’t fit.
It made us depressed.
We need to be together on your birthday.
We grieve so very differently.
But your birthday we unite.
When we are together we talk about you.
We wonder what you would be doing on your special day.
We discuss what crazy thing we would be trying desperately to find, do or go to like we do for your brothers birthdays every year.
We remember those special few hours we had you with us.
And we get ready to tackle the rest of the year.
Yesterday we both just got really sad.
We did none of that.
It was all wrong.
We managed to pull a bit back when we went for dinner.
We spent time together and laughed as a family.
BB asked some awkward questions.
Wanting to know exactly what happened to you.
And we didn’t have the answers so had to tell him we didn’t know.
Even though he desperately wants them.
We can’t give them to him.
If only we could give him them.
You had so much love yesterday.
So many flowers.
So many hugs, if Facebook could reach Heaven you would have been smiling.
Today we regrouped.
Emotionally we were drained.
Today we started again.
Tomorrow we will go to your grave.
Take a nice walk somewhere and have a day to remember the right way.
Loosing you never gets easier.
Remembering you never becomes simplier.
Celebrating your birthday here while you’re there doesn’t become less painful.
I think as the boys get older and life happens it actually becomes harder.
They want to know more and we can’t answer.
And eventually they will be out living their own lives.
Which I can’t even comprehend right now.
For now yesterday was a lesson.
Of what not to do from now on.
And tomorrow will be a make do, and a day of what we should do in the future!