Last week Baba started year three and there was a significant missing piece this year.
I tried my hardest not to let Rhianna being missing to overshadow the day, but it was flipping hard to not let it all be about her.
It was a dread that had over shadowed the whole of the summer, I am hoping it didn’t show too much to other people but it was something that was always on my mind.
Buying Baba’s uniform was left to the absolute last-minute, as I was dreading buying it.
Just one uniform, nothing else.
It took me forever to buy as every time we went I had to stop and come home and have a little cry.
Usually Baba’s clothes are all ready a few days before school, this year I was still sorting them the night before.
I was dreading the first day of school, every single moment of it.
From the moment we woke up, Rhianna was just on my mind.
There should have been two children getting dressed.
One year three and one little reception child.
I missed putting her hair into bunches
Putting on her little pumps
A little school dress
And a little cardigan.
There was a hole in the back to school photo.
There was only one child standing in their school uniform and there should have been two.
I was dreading the school walk, and the drop off.
Baba was all excited and raring to go, and was in Juniors now so he could go straight in, Mr confident and not worried at all.
Unfortunately we have to walk past reception to get to his class.
I managed to keep my head down going in.
It was harder coming out.
A whole class of new small children.
All children that would be Rhianna’s friends.
Somewhere standing there was her best friend.
There was someone she would love to hate
There was someone she would get in trouble with
There was someone she would scream and shout at
There was someone she would laugh with
There was someone she would tell her secrets to
There was someone she would grow old with
There was someone she would fall out with
There was all the children that would have been her friends near me
Children that would have been in and out of our house for years to come
Laughing, shouting, crying and growing
Instead they wont be in our house
There will be no girlie nights
No girlie best friends forever
No crying over boys
No giggling over boys
I was so dreading starting school this year
And it wasn’t just about missing Rhianna on the day
It was about seeing her future and seeing the silence that was there instead
When you lose a child you lose every moment, every milestone forever
And when the milestones should happen
The future you are missing once again rears it head
It’s ugly head and you so clearly see everything that you are missing
All in a flash, all in a moment
The life you should have had is there
And then it is gone
The impact is made,
And then it is taken
And the silence the still is left
And it is numbing
And so so hard.