I don’t like giving in, it really does take a lot for me to actually say ok I need help, I need to stop. Last week I had to do it, I had to do it on more than one occasion and to be honest, I think I have been doing it since the beginning of the year! It has been really hard I have to admit, I would usually just plough through regardless but this time I really haven’t been able to.
There have been points in the last couple of months, that I have really got down, I will admit that. I have cried a lot, I have literally been begging Mr L not to work on regular occasions, as I have just not been able to cope on my own. I know how much of an ask that was of me to do, and I regret doing it to some extent as he was then going to work knowing what pain I was in and having to just carry on regardless.
I have also taken everything out on Mr L I can see that now, at the time, I was so blinded by the pain or illness that I really couldn’t see what I was doing. Everyday (and I am not over exaggerating there) Mr L would come in from working all day to me just moaning, and I would moan all night long. Nothing he could do was right and he did try but I just was not in the mood, and hated everything around me. I hated that I was being like that too him, I hated that all I wanted to do in the day was sleep and that I didn’t want to do anything with Baba and that he was also missing out. Everything around me was getting me down, and it was really hard.
Last week when I was so ill, I literally had to admit totally defeat. I had already stopped working on Scrapbookerry when I did my back in, and hadn’t blogged via that blog since before Christmas, I had already taken early maternity leave from Creative Connections, but last week everything had to stop. Literally everything. It was hard to admit, but last Monday everything had to stop. I had to ask for help with Baba, I had to just rest and take every opportunity that Baba was out or at school, to rest. I had to ignore everything that was around me, including the mess, the work, the blog, crafting and to a certain degree Mr L and all the animals. I just had to concentrate on me, and me alone. The baby was fine the doctor had reassured me of that, it was me that was the concern and I had to give in and admit defeat. I had to get well, and for the first time in a long time, I just had to sleep and rest.
It was really hard to do, but I have to admit it was totally what I needed. For once a doctor knew what I needed to do, and I am so glad that I actually listened, with a little persuasion from Mr L.
I feel much better this week, I think I may be finally getting there. I have another doctors appointment this week, as he wanted to see me to check that I was 100% better. But I am hoping that I am nearly there at long last.
I still have a list a mile long, of things that need to be done, and that have been put off and off because I have been so ill. But things are slowly but surely getting done, and that is making me feel better as well. More than anything, I am finally being able to spend time with Baba, and Mr L and not feel that it is a complete and utter stress or feel 150% guilty like I have been in the last few weeks.
It sounds silly but the last few weeks in all the suffering that I have had, I really have noticed how much Mr L does for me. It has been the little things that have touched me the most, bringing me a coffee in bed, when I literally can not move. Staying up and dealing with Baba, when I have known that he has wanted to go to bed himself. Fighting my corner for me when I haven’t had the chance, or the energy to fight it myself. Holding me close throughout the night when I have been scared, of what is happening to me and what it is doing to the baby. Making time for just the two of us, making everything stop around us just so we can eat on our own, go out on our own all the things that are rare but are so important. All of the things I take for granted he has continued to do and has done even more than usual. He has been a complete star these past few weeks and has done loads of things that he would never normally do and I can see in his face he doesn’t want to do them, but he has done them regardless. It has been all these little things that have reminded me of why I love him as much as I do, and how much he loves me. It is strange the things that remind you of these things. That it doesn’t have to be the major things, it is the little things that are the most important to me that show how much he cares.