Tomorrow is a month until Rhianna Lily’s birthday.

Tomorrow is a month until her anniversary.

One month until she should be six.

Instead we have lived 6 years without her, 6 years without any of her smiles, cuddles, laughter, tears, and just her growing.

6 years of missing her.

6 years of her brothers missing her

And 6 years of there being a part of our jigsaw missing, never to be replaced.

This month is bloody hard, we have good days, we have bad days and we relive a nightmare all over again, every year the same nightmare, but every year the pain a little different.

Never the same, always a little different.

We should be planning a 6th birthday, we aren’t.

We should have an excited nearly 6 year old, we don’t.

Instead we are looking at flowers, deciding what will be the best flower, the best colour, and the best ones for us and her brothers to buy.

Instead we will once again debate a gravestone, feeling guilty that 6 years on she doesn’t have one, and probably yet again not deciding what to pick, what to write, or what to have on her ever so tiny grave.

Because what do you really write on a baby’s gravestone.

Instead our house is missing a laughter, missing a little gorgeous child, ready to take on the world.
Instead there is stillness, loss, and heartbreak in her place.

This year we were coping ok. But as her anniversary arrives, the insomnia sets in, her daddy gets ill. Its our life for the next month. We have learnt this is what happens. We never should have had to learn this.

It has never just been about us but this year it really hasnt just been about us.

Big Bro knows she should be at school with him now, he finds it really hard that she isnt there. And he misses her so much.

He wants to know what she would be like. We all do.

And it breaks your heart when you cant answer him.

Boo knows he has a sister he gets that she lives in heaven with his Uncle. But that leads him to so many questions.

Why did she die?

Why couldnt she have medicine?

What made her ill?

All things we cant answer.

And it breaks your heart when you cant answer him.

Its been a strange year this year as they understand more they ask more and we cant answer them.

And parents should know it all.

This we have no answers too.

So I ask one thing, if we as a family are a little bit snappy, a little bit sad, or just not really ourselves, don’t hide from us, don’t talk about everything else except Rhianna Lily, mention her name, and yes it may make us cry, it may make us sad, but it’s ok.

She’s our little girl the boys sister and we want to talk about her, we want her mentioned and we want to celebrate her 6th birthday.

She is part of our make up, she completes our family and we will never forget her. We will always remember her, and miss her and this month is hard, but we will always celebrate her, because she is my little mini me, Daddies little Princess, and the boys special little and big sister.

And for the 6th year in a row we will struggle through this month. We will struggle through the next few days. We will celebrate her birthday. Never her anniversary, always her birthday and regroup and start the process again.

Oh how I miss not understanding these feelings, not being a 1 in 4, no longer being in the it will never happen to us camp!

Six Years!
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