This post has taken me a long time to write, I have thought about it a lot, I think about this near on every day but writing it down has been hard. But something that I have wanted to do, needed to do. Part One can be read here.
We sat in the room and waited. The midwives came in and introduced themselves, and made us coffee. We had a really gorgeous midwife who was a student and she was generally lovely, you could almost see the pain in her eyes every time that she spoke to us. She was really caring and you instantly knew that she was feeling our pain.
The second midwife was also lovely, but in a different way, in a friendly almost jokey way and was full of character she was just what we needed to be honest.
We had made ourselves at home in the room, as much as you can in hospital and just really sat and waited. It was a weird experience neither of us knew what to do. Both were dreading it, and both were willing it to be over.
By 12.30pm the midwives had come in and I was given some tablets to start the induction, nothing seemed to be happening to be honest. I was on the bed, and Mr L had sorted out the TV and we just waited watching Jeremy Kyle on TV. As there really wasn’t anything else to do.
The anaesthetic came in soon after the first set of tablets, and discussed pain relief there were lots of different options but in the end we all decided that the best idea would be morphine on a scheduled drip so that I had the least amount of pain as possible.
I had a cannula fitted all ready for when I needed the morphine so that it could start to be administered as soon as I needed it rather than having to worry about being in pain while it was fitted. I was so glad it was fitted before the pain started as the midwife couldn’t get it in at all. She tried on one hand and had no luck and moved to the next hand and still had no luck. The doctor was then called and she finally got it into my left hand with little difficulty, but it did hurt I have to say I remember the pain even now!
We were told that if nothing happened by 3.30pm I would be given some oral tablets to start the induction but that was never needed. The popping sensation came about 2.20pm and by 2.30pm the pains were starting. The pains were so much more intense than Baba and within an hour Mr L was outside asking for the morphine drip to be started.
But nothing was really moving so they gave me a couple more tablets at 4pm and then the contractions really started, they were stronger and coming a lot faster, and I was begging Mr L for that morphine. He had a button that he could press that would administer a set amount of morphine every six minutes. I think it was a ml. I wanted it continuously and kept asking how much longer, how much longer.
I wanted to know how far I was gone, and Mr L went to ask and we were told, very tenderly that I wouldn’t be checked with Rhianna, the midwives just let nature take its course in these situations and to contact them when I was ready. If I am honest, even with all the morphine I was a little heartbroken by this, it was all the little things that made it so different to a normal birth. I knew that it was different but I still wanted things to be similar and things like this were just making it so different to Baba’s birth. I really didn’t like that.
By 5.30pm I wanted to push and I pushed for over an hour until Rhianna was delivered. It was a hard labour it was really difficult, there was no help and when I stopped everything stopped. Rhianna was also breach which didn’t help matters either.
She was finally delivered at 6.26pm on Friday the 23rd March 2012, her big brother was born at 6.55am on a Friday as well they were nearly exactly 12 hours apart in time.
We were told that she weighed 10 ounces.
We were also told a possible cause of her death as well, there was a very tight knot in her placenta cord that she tied and tightened. The midwife said that it was really really rare, and that she had only seen one before in all her years of being a midwife and that that was 99% likely to be the cause.
We were both shocked. Laying in a room after giving birth, you instantly make that last push and know a baby has been born and expect a cry.
Hearing nothing is painful and frightening, and when Rhianna was delivered all I could do was push and cry there was nothing else to do. I had finished what I was supposed to do and there was no noise, it was just some very respectful quiet midwives working away.
But no babies tears, no screams, and no grunting.
It was quite literally the worst noise in the world! Just silence.
After she was born all I wanted was everyone to go, to leave Mr L, and myself with our baby girl. I instantly wanted everyone out of the room, I no longer wanted anyone there and it was an overwhelming feeling it was so strong.
I could literally feel the anger building up in me, and by this point I was really not 100% with all the morphine I had had but I knew I was getting really angry. I was furious in fact I wanted everyone out of there and no one was going.
I know that they were in there because they needed to be the placenta was completely stuck and nothing they did would shift it. They spent almost an hour in the room with us after Rhianna Lily was born, and it literally was tearing me apart.
I just kept whispering to Mr L ” get them out of here, I just want it to be us.” I felt that no one was listening to me, but really what could he do, there was nothing he could do. His priority in all of this was me and that is what everyone else’s priority was as well, but to me I really didn’t care. I just wanted as much time with our baby girl and too me they were snatching those few moments away by being in the room with us.
In the end after an hour I pretended to be asleep, I could hear everything that was happening but I just lay there with my eyes closed and eventually they told Mr L that they would leave me a while to be on our own as I was so tired.
We finally had our time with Rhianna and it was so hard. As soon as I left I cried and I took it out on Mr L that they were taking the time we had with Rhianna away from us, and it really wasn’t his fault.
We got some pictures and both had some cuddles. She was so tiny, so beautiful and looked just like her Daddy which I knew that she would.
Baba has always been the spitting image of me, and Rhianna Lily was the spitting image of her Daddy, and she was the most precious gorgeous little thing in the world. She was so tiny, but so long, and we both took in every feature that she had. I don’t think either of us were too sure about seeing her, but when she was with us she had to be with just us.
She had a cute little knitted outfit, that we had chosen earlier in the day when the student midwife had brought a selection of clothes around for us to choose from and our blanket around her and she was in a tiny little basket. That literally was no bigger than a fruit basket as she was so tiny.
I was really out of it, and it was really hard to focus I kept falling asleep and really missed valuable time straight after her birth. It is something I am never going to be happy about, and something I need to live with. But it doesn’t make it any easier.
After two hours the placenta was still stuck and I was in so much pain, I really tried my hardest to do this bit myself but unfortunately it just didn’t work. By this point the midwives had changed and our evening midwife was the lady that actually delivered Baba which was nice as I knew here and felt comfortable with her. I really have no recollection of about 10pm to 12.30am I vaguely remember having to sign a piece of paper and to be honest Mr L maybe the best person for this time.
I was visited by the surgical team who decided that I had better have an operation to get the placenta out, the epidural didn’t work however and it was decided that I needed a general anaesthetic. I really have no recollection of this, Mr L was taken away, he got a cup of tea and then I was being brought back around.
Once I was brought back around I was more with it, and felt much more comfortable and more with it, it was like the morphine and anaesthetic had all disappeared out of my system and I finally knew what I was saying.
Soon after I got back to the room, we were asked if we wanted Rhianna with us. She was brought back into a room in a specially designed crib and was changed and left with us.
This was our time at last, and it was going to be our special time with our little girl.