From the moment I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test with Baba all I have wanted is to be a good Mummy. That is what I try to achieve every day.

When Rhianna Lily died, I immediately decided the best and only way I could mother her was to make sure I never hid her. That I always spoke about her. She was always a part of all of us and that everyone knew about her.

Once we had her buried I knew that the other way I could mother her was to always give her the brightest grave possible.

Since the day she was buried she has had that. Every few months she gets a new selection of fake flowers that are left there all the time, and then we take fresh ones up there at different times of the year.

I haven’t been for a long time.

I have become numb.

I drive past, and I think about it and I keep driving.

Something has happened and I am not sure what.

We had flowers for her on the wedding day and I froze going up there, I sent Mr L instead and since then I have been able to go.

Now I feel guilty for not going.

But I am still numb.

Taking flowers to such a small grave is so hard (I am not saying taking flowers to a bigger grave isn’t hard)

But the size tears me apart.

Seeing her coffin so small, so tiny broke me, and something about the size of her grave still breaks me.

Rhianna still doesn’t have a grave stone, she has a plaque, the one that was provided when she was buried mainly because Mr L and I can not decide on a grave stone we like.

What do you do?

Do you pick a grave stone that represents a baby?

Do you pick one that doesn’t represent a baby?

We made a decision we didn’t want to get a grave stone until after we had finished our family we wanted everyone on the stone. We wont be having any more children so her gravestone can now be chosen as we can have the fact that she is a little and big sister on there.

But that is so final!

It was a good reason not to have a gravestone

It meant we did have to make the final decision

After this there will be never be another big decision to make about Rhianna

It will be what colour flowers to buy that is it.

It seems like the end of the line

And I am not sure if that is why I am numb.

I don’t like her grave, it is empty it needs a gravestone.

But when it has a gravestone that is final.

And I am just not sure I am ready

Really ready to make the final decision

To close the curtain

On our baby girl

Numb
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