One thing I hate about grief is the unpredictability of it.
You can never tell when it will hit.
You can never predict when you won’t be ok.
And you really live your life on the edge of a cliff for the rest of your days.
You can be so happy.
Life can be so good.
And then it hits you.
And it hits you hard.
So hard that at times you literally don’t know what has happened.
And you are knocked sideways.
Your happy self leaves you.
And you are hurting.
And you hurt the closest around you.
Grief can make you a bitch.
It makes you say the harshest, cruelist things to the people you love most.
So they hurt.
So it isn’t just you.
Words come out of your mouth before you even realise.
Hatred is thrown around.
Hatred that isn’t even there.
But you make it be there.
Claiming that no one else cares.
Hurting the ones that care the most.
Grief is hard.
Grief is cruel
It is a hideous twist of a knife into an already broken heart.
And it is guilt.
Guilt that you have hurt that person you love.
Guilt that you have fractured their fragile heart a little more.
Guilt that they have once again stood and listened and took the pain.
Guilt that you haven’t been able to function that well again today.
Guilt that your grief has overtaken the living once more.
Guilt that the nothing around you is enough on days like today.
Guilt that you have had to step away from people you love today.
Guilt that you weren’t a good wife or mother today.
Guilt that you can’t be that mother or wife you were destined to be.
Guilt that instead everyone gets this version.
Guilt that you can’t always do it.
Guilt that some days the pain is too much to bare.
And guilt that you can never predict it.
Never plan around it.
Never foresee it.
Grief has a horrible twist in the pain that you bare everyday.
Grief jumps up slaps you in the face and knocks you down.
Time and time again.
And it is never satisfied.
It is never finished.
It never has enough.
And it is always there waiting.
Until you aren’t expecting it.
Until your happy.
Until your content.
Ready to give you another blow over and over again.