Since loosing Rhianna Lily I have followed lots of blogs about baby and child loss. Especially Carly Marie it is a blog that I have loved reading. Last year I read about and followed Capture Your Grief but just wasnt in the right place to get involved.
This year I wanted to get involved, I want to be involved for many reasons, I feel its right, it’s also coincides with Baby Loss Awareness week, 9th-15th October, finishing with The Wave of Light on the 15th October. In 2012 the loss was too raw. In 2013 I was hiding a baby, and that was far too stressful. This year it just feels right.
So for the first time I will be participating in the month-long process of Capture Your Grief.
Every day throughout October I will be taking a picture and writing about where I am right now in my grief journey.
Here are the first five days.
DAY 1: SUNSHINE
When I woke this morning it was wet and grey but the sun was behind the clouds you could see it but I knew it wasn’t quite ready.
While on the school run with Baba and a poorly Boo this happened and this was perfect. This was like the sun on the crisp spring day I gave birth to Rhianna Lily with her eyes closed and sleeping. It was brilliant sunshine all day and having two winter born boys the sun always reminds me of her now and makes me think of her.
DAY 2: HEART
I hold all my children in my heart and both Baba and Boo fill it deeply.
But there will forever more be a hole in my heart.
The hole of missing Rhianna Lily.
Missing dreams, missing plans, missing daughter and Mummy time, missing dress shopping, wearing nail varnish, watching girlie films, missing boy troubles.
Just missing my girl.
Our house is a dominate male house and I treasure every moment.
But every day my heart misses the little girl who never opened her eyes and misses the plans I had for her, the dreams I had dreamt and my heart misses not having my baby girl around.
DAY 3: BEFORE
Mr L and I before Baba before Rhianna before Boo.
I knew people lost babies I didn’t think it would be me.
I had experienced grief but from loved ones who had lived a good life. Enjoyed themselves done what they wanted.
Before Rhianna I moaned about pregnancy I was naive after 12 weeks I thought it was easy. I hated being induced early and made it the biggest stress (in fact that probably helped Baba)
I laughed I enjoyed life.
I cried but I had never cried tears openly from your stomach through to your heart and escaping from your eyes.
I had never felt pain in my heart, actual physical pain.
I had never been physically numb from loving someone and never seeing them again.
I had never watched the world go past while I sat and cried. And I had never cried so many tears.
Before I lived life. I didn’t count my blessings, I expected things now I am so grateful for those things.
I am stronger now.
Rhianna did that I am a Mummy on two extremes with a sunshine, an angel and a rainbow.
And I am beginning to smile again.
DAY 4: NOW
Who am I now?
I am surrounded by my boys everyday.
Filled with love and joy and laughter.
But I am broken. Forever broken.
I will never be complete again. As there is always a laugh missing, one cuddle missing, and a baby girl missing.
I am weaker in some ways and stronger in others.
I will never not speak Rhianna’s name to me that is the only way I can mother her to make sure the world never forgets her.
But I am weaker as I am so fully aware that death doesn’t care if you are old, have had a good life or about anything. Death takes who it wants and it makes me so weak.
I am anxious about the boys all the time. And super protective and have to force myself to let go, to let them grow. It’s a personal battle I have every day. And it makes me weak.
But I am strong because we battle it together and Mr L and I have become stronger rather than apart and that makes me strong. It will not break us, we deal with grief and live with grief in different ways but it will not break us.
I still laugh, I still enjoy life but I will always be broken.
Nothing will replace Rhianna nothing will heal the hole.
Having Baba meant I carried on, having Boo means I carry on some more.
But we will never ever be complete.
I am smiling again, I am happy again and I won’t apologise for that but I will never ever be complete again.
As a part of me lives in Heaven.
DAY 5: JOURNAL
Christmas 2011 I was given a journal we hadn’t long found out I was pregnant with Rhianna so I decided to write in it and for the first time ever I wrote in it every day.
It became my escapism when I couldn’t sleep or make sense of the world around me.
Now it is the most precious book in our house.
One that is all about Rhianna.
That first year I had to write everything that I felt everything that reminded me of her. Now I can read one page and I am right back there. In the moment in tears, but happy. Happy that I haven’t forgotten a single moment of that time.
Over time I moved me writing to my blog so that I could maybe help others.
But this journal still had the most personal, most raw feelings in.
Christmas 2012 I brought a new journal and it never got opened. I was given a new journal in August this year. So far I have looked at it. I am not sure I can ever be that raw again. Ever be that open anymore. I am not sure if the I prepared to reopen the scars. Blogging I love because I always hold back a little – journaling is opening up more intense, more raw, more open feelings. And for now I just look at the empty space and wonder!