Recently we have had lots of discussions about whether people’s families are complete and if they are done having babies.

It is something I really struggle with personally.

Whenever anyone asks me they get the same response, “we are done”

But that doesn’t mean we are complete.

We will never be complete.

To be complete, Rhianna Lily would be here with us.

To be completer than we are now we would have a little girl with us here.

We have neither.

But we are done.

And it is such a hard thing to explain.

Having Boo was a priority after loosing Rhianna we both wanted another baby, I needed another baby, I didn’t care on sex, or anything they needed to live, and they needed to be in my arms. That was what I needed.

I didn’t tell hardly anyone that I was pregnant, and it was the toughest pregnancy I ever had.

My anxiety went through the roof, any pain, twitch or symptom of anything I was panicking to Mr L and on the phone to my midwife. I literally wouldn’t have got through that pregnancy without her.

I had nightmares of loosing my baby, I was in pain everyday, due to my back having so much pressure on it after falling down the stairs while pregnant with Rhianna. I couldn’t walk without being in pain, and it was hell.

To top it all off it was the only pregnancy I wasn’t sick in, unlike Rhianna and Baba where I was pretty much sick every single day, so that should have been a good thing, but no instead of being sick and getting a little relief I felt sick 24/7 but had no release from it as I was never sick. I was stuck in this horrible space, feeling sick but not being sick is hell when you have it for 37 weeks constantly.

It was tough and I don’t think I could seriously go through that anxiety and sickness and pain again.

But not only that after three pregnancies, with Boo I scrapped through not getting gestational diabetes, diabetes is in the family and I do not want to push this anymore. I think I did well to get away with it, and selfishly I don’t want that added to the list of things I find so hard in pregnancy.

There are other reasons too.

I love my boys unconditionally and they are my world, but there is not one part of me that wants another boy. They are loving and gorgeous and funny, but they fight, physically and verbally, they shout, they eat all day long, they make stupid noises for most of the day two is plenty, any more and I may go slightly mad.

I always imagined I would have one boy and one girl, for Rhianna’s pregnancy I had that.

We are blessed to have Boo as well, but I couldn’t and wouldn’t want another boy, and it scares me what I would feel and react if we did have another baby and it was another boy.

It isn’t a worry that I wouldn’t love the baby as I would of course, but it scares me how upset I actually would be. If I had another baby it would have to be a girl.

I would only go through all of the pain and stress to have another little girl.

And I can’t predict or make certain I am having a girl.

And if I did would I make it to the end of the pregnancy with her ok and well?

There are too many things that I can’t answer and too many what ifs, which means we aren’t complete but we are done.

But it is a complex feeling, because I am not happy about it.

Whenever I think about it I am sad about it.

But I wont be doing it again.

I can’t have another pregnancy in case it ended up like Rhianna or another miscarriage, of if it was another boy I would still feel the same after but with three boys.

I am done.

We will never be complete.

And there will always be a sadness associated with it.

But we are done.

A Completed Family
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